Can men and women be just friends? One question scientists, philosophers and moviemakers are constantly trying to answer.  And if you closely examine their answers, you wouldn’t be any closer to the truth.

If public perception and mass media are to be believed, men and women can never be just friends. Take the recent hit movie Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na. The main protagonists Jai and Aditi are great buddies who believe they are just very good friends and are not in love with each other. They even go to the extent of finding partners for each other so that the world stops suspecting them of being in love. And what happens? Pangs of jealousy hit, love surfaces and ‘real friendship’ morphs into real love.

Michael Monsour, author of Women and Men as Friends says television and movies haven’t helped the cause of platonic friendships. “Almost every time you see a man-woman friendship on screen, it winds up in romance. Movies convince us that sex always comes between men and women, thus making true friendship impossible. And such powerful cultural images are hard to put aside,” he explains in his book.

Respect the spouse

There has been a sexual revolution of sorts in India yes and there is today more intermingling of boys and girls than ever. Dating too is more the norm than the exception and yet, there are very few friendships that remain platonic. Blame it on natural sexual tension between a red-blooded male and equally red-blooded female or blame it on the misunderstandings and jealousy it is said to create in your significant other if you have a close friend of the opposite sex.

“I see at least two-three cases every week where there have been problems between spouses because one of them has a close friend of the opposite sex,” says Dr Ajit V Bhide, head of Psychiatry, St Martha’s hospital. He believes platonic friendships will work only in some cases where both parties are extremely aware and mature.
“My advice might be seen as conservative but it makes more sense to respect your spouse’s feelings first. Only if your spouse is accommodating enough, go ahead; otherwise, it is wiser to keep a healthy distance,” he says.

Says Mumbai-based family counsellor Smriti Shah, “Men and women earlier were in different spheres and the only reason they came together was romance. Now they work together, share passions and interests and socialise together. Platonic friendships are then inevitable. But that does not make them any less tricky. Men and women can successfully become close friends. But both have to watch it.” A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships asked around 150 professional men and women what they liked and disliked about cross-sex friendships. Topping women’s list of dislikes was sexual tension. Men replied that sexual attraction was the prime reason for initiating the friendship in the first place. Either way, 62 per cent of all subjects reported that sexual tension was always present in such friendships.

Nudge and wink

Take the case of Deepti Rajan (name changed), a lead analyst at a Bangalore-based software firm. Her happy marriage came under the scanner because of her perceived ‘affair’ with an office colleague. “My colleague and I didn’t have any such feelings for each other  — we just happened to enjoy each other’s company. But the nudging and winking and rumours got to us. And it reached my husband’s ears too.” It was a time of great distress and tension for Deepti as she had to not only convince her husband of the truth but also face a barrage of unwelcome questions from her immediate friends and family.

In a landmark study in the Journal of Sex Roles, Don O’Meara of the University of Cincinnati identified the following challenges to male-female friendship: Defining it; dealing with sexual attraction; seeing each other as equals and facing people’s responses to the relationship. All of which I encountered, says Deepti wryly. “The one question that was constantly thrown at me was ‘Are you really just friends with Mr X?’ I felt like I was a hounded Bollywood heroine.” So can men and women be just friends? Jaane tu ya Jaane na...