Today’s films are so complex that we should let the professionals review them. For a layman, a review of a different kind appears more in order.

Let’s list the positives first. The seats are comfortable with the foam cushioning intact. The wooden armrests are undamaged so the elbows do not make cold contact with the underlying wrought iron frame. Fans overhead are numerous and work noiselessly.

The content on the flip side has to do mostly with us viewers. To begin with the purchase of tickets, railings define the path that ticket seekers should follow to reach the counter. But many of us must muscle in from the exit end instead.

Next, you have the doors, two sets of them. To avoid a stampede at the doors of the actual cinema hall, the attendants open the front door leading to the lounge only partially. They block part of even this narrow entrance with their bodies, and admit people into the lounge only after they rip the ticket counterfoils off to return them to the movie goers. Someone hands a clutch of six tickets and only three companions are next to him while the other two struggle to push their way through the mass of bodies ahead of them.

At the seat, some heads cannot remain still. Before and throughout the movie, they keep bending forward, to shoot pan masala spittle beneath the seat in front. The film features artists with mass following so hoots, whistles and roars explode whenever the demi-god (or item number goddess) appears. More noise comes from mobile phones that scream from all directions. Some whisper into them and others shout.

The intermission comes as a relief but only partially. Paper cups emptied of soft drinks, plastic pouches that had contained pop corn or potato chips and crumpled bits of newspaper that had served as plates for samosas all join the spittle stains under the seats. A housewife in a family group takes out a sweet lime and soon the rind and inner skin drop to the floor right in front of her.

The movie ends and the crowd emerging from the lounge doors has to push its way through the mass of people eager to enter. Opportunity beckons pick-pockets. I know all this smacks of a holier than thou attitude. What to do, I cannot afford the multiplex ticket fare.