Retro on the ramp

The designers had some interesting fare laid out his year. It was skinny trousers for men who have the legs for it, leggings and pencil skirts for similarly blessed ladies and empire waists for the rest of us trying to hide a bulge here and a flab of fat there. On the Indian wear front, retro dressing made a big return. We saw divas dressed in flowing brocade frock kurtas and churidars and aspiring-divas making a beeline for their tailors with mom’s old silk saris.

Colours were vibrant and the mood youthful. Hair was long and flowing for all, including Shahrukh Khan, who grew a pony and to give it company, some muscle. The lone exception was Mahendra Singh Dhoni who snipped off his flowing tresses and went in for a smart new cut supervised by none other than the gorgeous John Abraham. Now, this was one man who dimpled his way into our hearts with his beautiful face, his beautiful girlfriend and his beautiful body. He looked perfect in whatever he chose to wear —whether it was a heavily-embroidered sherwani or a tiny pair of football shorts.

Dowdy Dressing Dept

If you go by what the hottest celebrities were wearing this year, then it was fashionable to look dowdy. There was Abhishek Bachchan with his sticky tresses, girly hair bands, forever stubble and dark scowls; almost cracking out television screens with sheer ugliness. Giving him good company was his new bride Aishwarya Rai Bachchan — sometimes doing a Plain Jane in shapeless jeans and oversized jackets and sometimes dutiful bahu (straight out of an Ekta Kapoor serial) with flashy Indian wear and shiny sindoor.

Giving the one-time Miss World stiff competition in the most-badly-dressed department was Vidya Balan, who desperately needs to change her designer in reel as well as real life. Her outrageously ugly, badly-fitted, terribly-co-ordinated outfits made holes in our eyes. While Govinda, as always, made a rainbow blush with his fluorescent shirts.

Even the otherwise fashionable Salman Khan had no mercy on us this year, making the finer senses burn with his obscene thigh-hugging jeans, big belts and bigger heels. He also made our eardrums collapse from the strain of deciphering his ever-deepening American accent and his amazing ability to drawl with his mouth shut. However, he seems to have found a fan in director Sanjay Leela Bhansali who remained inaudible to those of us not versed in the technique of lip reading.

Comeback kids

It was comeback year for the gorgeous Madhuri who proved that the eyes sparkle still, the smile continues to sizzle and nobody, simply nobody, can do the bust heave and the kamar-ka-thumka like her. Unfortunately, with Aaja Nachle she picked a script that almost put us to sleep. Another comeback that put the smile back on our faces was Govinda’s when he found his comic timing once again. A much-appreciated comeback, this time on television, was of one-time controversial hockey coach Mir Ranjan Negi, who chucked the hockey stick, caught on to his choreographer’s arm and showed us some straight lifts and pelvic thrusts that brought him within kicking distance of the Jhalak Dikhla Ja trophy.

Who let the singers out

This was the year of reality television when the country sang and danced to the beats of aspiring winners and their celebrity judges. We lolled on our beds, dinner plates in hand and watched Urmila pout, Shiamak Davar attempt some shudh Hindi and Jeetendra jive to old Tohfa songs. Himesh Reshammiya projected himself as a one-man department store for baseball caps, Aadesh Srivastava did a Sonu Nigam by perming and rebonding his hair, Rakhi Sawant set temperatures soaring with her hot numbers, Mika did likewise by his obnoxious behaviour.

The ones who laughed (at themselves)

The stars finally learnt that girls don’t just drool over muscled men these days and it pays to have a sense of humour. Little wonder then that one-time action heroes covered up their brawn and instead, worked on their funny bones. Case in point – macho men like Sunil Shetty, Akshay Kumar and Salman Khan made their fans smile with their self-deprecating humour. We giggled when SRK stepped into hip-hugging bellbottom trousers and donned the big hair wig to play a seventies wannabe hero in Om Shanti Om. We laughed when Salman Khan sportingly whipped off his shirt to “main to (kapde utarane ka) mauka dhundta rehta hoon” when the airport staff ask him to undergo a security check in Partner. And we appreciated it when Akshay Kumar and Sanjay Dutt refrained from bashing up the baddies and instead made us grin in Bhool Bhulaiya and Dhamaal respectively.

Parting shot

It was a year of ups and downs, of fun and heartburn, of hot-blooded celebrities and their cold-blooded critics. We sign off with a merry Christmas to all and a special 2008 song dedicated to all our much-loved celebrities: “Every breath you take, every move you make, every smile you fake, every vow you break we’ll be watching you!” Sorry Sting.
(Look out for our year-end special issue next week)