Did you hear? The Chambers Dictionary in its next edition gives the meaning of the phrase ‘TV Anchor’ as “a spiteful, sadistic, totally insensitive, and downright offensive creature.”

If you think the reference is to the “spiteful” Karan Thapar forcing the differently spiteful Narendra Modi to walk out on his programme, you ain’t seen anything yet.

But I can see it coming.

Year 2012. Programme: Taran Kapar interviews Marender Nodi (all names changed to protect the identity of the real persons, and for legal reasons).

Reader Alert!

Readers are free to relate the fake names with the original. In fact they are encouraged to do so, but without dragging this paper into it.

Opening scene: Honourable Sri Marender Nodi is brought handcuffed and made to sit on the floor in a dark and dinky dungeon like cell before Taran Kapar, who is comfortably ensconced in a jumbo king-sized extra cushy beanbag, placed some 15 feet above the honourable guest.

Taran: “Very good morning to you Mr Marender Nodi! As per rules, we are sorry for the handcuffs, the dungeon and all that silly nonsense.

“But as you very well know, in this race for TRP ratings, we have to treat you politicians like scum, whether you deserve it or not. But needless to add, we don’t mean this sincerely.”

Nodi: “Not at all, Sir, please go ahead, I understand. After all, the more TRPs YOU clock, the more I want to be seen in YOUR programme. I am being spitefully frank like you, Sir.“

Taran: “Frank like me, did you say? In that case, why don’t you confess your role in the Gujarat crimes? Otherwise, I’m afraid we’ll have to give you a whiplash. Though, strictly speaking, as the rules say, we don’t mean it sincerely.”

Nodi (shivering): “OK, let’s get over the whiplash act quickly.”

At that point, there’s a commercial break. The TV screen shows a tastefully designed commercial of Whips & Whoosh India Unlimited Inc, with a soft and soothing sound of pre-concrete cement whips hitting an unseen face (music composed by AR Rahman).

After the break, the camera zooms in on Marender Nodi nursing his wounds, even as the organisers are lovingly providing him first aid, sponsored by, you guessed it, Whips & Whoosh Total Solutions.

All in the game

Taran (wiping an electronic tear off his eye, in sympathy): “Now, now, Mr Nodi, I repeat, I have to say sorry as per rules, but the show goes on, I am afraid. And if you don’t sign on my dotted words, it’s going to get worse.”
Nodi (startled): “Worse? Worse than cement whips?”

Taran (smiling that slimy smile of his): “Let me remind you that our previous guest, Sitaram Yechury came to our program dressed in a bullet proof vest.”

Nodi: “What! Are you going to shoot me?”

Taran: “If competition demands this from me, I have to. But clever you, you are already counting on the political ramifications of being shot in my programme? Give me a break!”

At that precise moment, there’s another commercial break. And at that precise moment, Marender Nodi’s mobile phone rings. “We are from TRP India Inc,” the voice at the other end says. “Mr Nodi, the bullet is fake, it does not kill. It’s just a game we play to entertain our viewers. But we don’t have to tell you how much your popularity will soar if you look like you are ‘shot’. As will the programme’s ratings.” There’s a click and the line goes dead. The programme goes live.

Taran: “So Mr Nodi, want to bite the bullet or face it?”

Nodi (with his chest up): “I am ready! But first permit me to give a humble speech to my fellowmen, with a promise that YOU WON’T BUTT IN THE MIDDLE…”

Taran (interrupting): “Rest assured, Mr Nodi, even we respect the last wishes of a dying man. Now for the anti-climax! You are actually going to walk out a live man, as all this is just a charade put up for our entertainment-starved but politically responsible viewers! We just want to go with the satisfaction that WE BOTH have made our point.”

Nodi (butting in shrewdly): “Yes, the TRP India Inc guys told me that.”

Taran (angrily): “Watch out, before you get another whiplash, sponsored by Whips India Inc (Motto: Only whips, no whoosh. Absolutely soundless, but doubly effective.)”

This is just a trailer of what anchors and advertisers can do in 2012. Can’t wait for it. Can we have it earlier?