If you have said “Darling, I can’t live without you” to someone more than twice and meant it seriously, believe me, you have a serious problem on your hands. Your case is no better than, hold your breath, that of a drug addict who needs to go to a de-addiction centre. It might soundlike a cruel statement but it is true. Let me explain this with the help of a case study I handled as a counsellor.

Here was this young girl, all of eighteen, who could not live without a boy because she had fallen in love him but her love was unilateral. He dominated her thoughts, to use a contemporary expression, twenty-four by seven.

“Uncle, I can’t live without him. I just can’t”, she would repeatedly tell me between her sobs. Not finding any response from her self-designated lover, she attempted suicide and that was when she came to me for therapy.

It was a clear case of co-dependency on a person, which is much worse than the co-dependency on a drug. At least, you can somehow get access to your favourite drug but when it comes to another human being, the situation is different. In psychological terms, it is a kind of parasitical and passive relationship where the dependent feeds from the other. It is not a relationship of choice or freedom. It is a compulsive requirement.

Digging deep and delving into her childhood, what came out was what was expected. She did not receive the affection, the attention, love and care that each child needs in the formative years. Her parents were so much in love with themselves that there was nothing left for the young one. Her life was empty and meaningless. She needed someone to fill the vacuum and that someone had plans of his own. Her self-esteem was non-existent.

Co-dependency

She was not the only client I handled who was suffering from this little known phenomenon of co-dependency.

When you revisit the childhood of such cases, a few common factors show up. I present them for the consideration of parents who have growing up kids. It is often out of ignorance of the importance of the early childhood, parents end up doing things that make the children feel like individuals of no self worth or value, somewhat like doormats.

They need someone to be their anchors all through their lives. When they grow up and marry, a passive dependency on the other continues. There is no love or freedom in the relationship. It is a kind of barter deal. You stick with me and do not ever leave me and I promise you that I will forever be your faithful slave.
They are so insecure that they get angry when the limelight and attention is not on them. They tie their happiness with the aprons of another and such a condition is a sure shot insurance for an unhealthy relationship.
Exactly the opposite is true for those grown ups who have received love and security with consistency. They grow up as people of self worth, self-assurance and self-esteem.

Self-esteem

They relate with people at an equal level.  They marry into a relationship of equal partnership where there is enough space for each other to grow. It took three years of patient weekly therapy sessions for the young one to regain some of the lost self-esteem and she began to make her own choices of career.

Even today, she struggles with the issue and is taken for a ride. She recovers soon enough as she becomes aware that it is not out of love but out of need and urge that she is drawn towards another but as she crosses some more milestones of success, she will become independent, a stage necessary to enjoy interdependent relationships with a host of people.

Consistent love and security in early childhood equals self-confident adulthood and the lack of it produces adults who believe that they are of little value, almost worthless. What the children will receive depends on us, adults.

The author is a counsellor with Sneha Counselling Centre and can be reached on 9342133520