There is no seven-year-itch in Swapna Manjunath’s happy marriage. She just happened to find her college crush Chetan while trawling the web. And they got talking. Talking led to pouring out of hearts in google chat after google chat. A few months later, Chetan came down to Bangalore from the US and they met after six years. An affair was simply the natural next step. “My affair with Chetan, if you can call it an affair, was not just about sex,” she says. “I could communicate with him, tease, laugh and cry like I could never do with my husband. For me, it was an emotional catharsis.”

If you thought Swapna took any drastic step after discovering such a rapport with her old friend, well yeah, you thought wrong. Chetan went back to Salt Lake City  and Swapna still has a ‘happy’ marriage, though not exactly itch-free. And if you imagine that Chetan and Swapna have vowed never to cross each other’s paths again, you have been seeing too many Bollywood movies. In real life, like Swapna’s, the affair continues - via google chat.

Only a few years ago, cheating on spouses were for the glitterati. The middle classes did it too, mostly in cloak and dagger fashion but for many, the guilt belt was too tight. Says Mumbai-based marriage counsellor Pritha Shah, “Even just two-three years ago, it was all about finding good sex outside marriage. That’s no longer the only reason for straying. When it comes to women especially, they are looking for emotional bonds or just some plain excitement.” She cites the instance of a 27-year-old management consultant who came to her for counselling. This woman was a highly qualified, very successful professional who began an affair with an office colleague because she was bored in her marriage. “She said her husband was a family man who took care of her three-year-old son and looked after her needs but she was just ‘attracted’ to this colleague and rather bored.” Her affair is conducted mostly over the ubiquitous cell phone and in brief snatches of time after office and it is all about emotional bonding, similar tastes and yes, great sex.

Mind over body
The new world of adultery is mostly about the mind rather than the body. Today, with easy access to Internet and the boom in mobile connectivity, conducting affairs is rather simple. These casual ‘tech-enabled’ affairs usually last a few weeks to a few months. Sometimes, the affair begins and ends without the spouse having any inkling whatsover. “I used to have these long conversations on the net with my distant cousin...we discovered so many common passions and interests. I feel great simply talking to him. I share with him many intimacies...stuff that I have never shared with my husband and will never will,” declares 33-year-old homemaker Varshini Ravi. Her ‘affair’ ends the minute husband comes home. “I log off the minute he arrives. He hates to see me spending time surfing the net,” she says.

Time constraints on working couples, long hours of work, often late into the night, and constant travel are major triggers. Though there are no statistics available, it is safe to say that more women than ever before are looking for love outside marriage. A quick survey with counsellors reveals as much. Over the years, the media too has gone ballistic about the new-age empowered woman but has hardly explored the other side of this liberation. Television serials too are a reflection of a strange dichotomy. Women in popular soaps are ultra-religious, devoted to families, wear only traditional clothing and conduct affairs quite flagrantly! 

When it comes to women, their affairs usually start out as platonic friendships. In his book, Emotional Infidelity, M Gary Neuman says if by the time you get home, you have cribbed about your office problems with colleagues and don’t feel like telling it again to your hubby, you are committing emotional infidelity and depriving your marriage of the spark it needs. Most people fail to see the risk of intimate platonic friendships at workplaces, says Ms Shah. “Relationships are always at a danger of getting too intimate and once they do, it is near impossible to take a step backwards,” she warns.

Too much too soon?
According to gynaecologist Dr Soumyashree who ends up counselling women who come to her clinic, today’s women have discovered too many things too quickly. “They have so many options and when everything is available, you begin to demand the same kind of choices in partners too. You are less tolerant and more easily bored.”

Is it the married woman’s quest for excitement that’s prompting more women to look beyond their marriages? Or is it that women have simply become more demanding and assertive? Or is it just a way to an instant high? “It is a combination of all three,” says marriage counsellor  Kshama Ramu. “Earlier, couples came to me for counselling after trying to reconcile for a year or two. Nowadays, I have had couples coming to me after a week of marriage!”
Another interesting trend is of such infidelity not breaking up marriages! “That’s because women are wiser,” quips Ms Shah. “They do not want to rock the boat, they are better at hiding their emotions though popularly believed otherwise and sometimes it so happens that they actually love their husbands too much to let go.”

In business partnerships and marriage partnerships, O' the cheating that goes on, goes a song. A song that is being secretly sung in many hearts...
(Some names have been changed)