Tension runs high in households during this season. No one has the time to admire the brilliant yellow flowers reaching up to the sky or play with the mongrel on the road. Shhh…it is exam time, and for those in the 10th or 12th it is a “turning point,” “critical juncture” of their lives. Only a pessimistic adult could have coined such do or die kind of phrases to hurl at children who are already stressed. Educators and counsellors give tips to children on how to study and prepare for the exams without feeling pressurised or worrying about the outcome. They are told about the importance of systematic studying, revising, clarifying doubts etc. But what these educators and counsellors should do is tackle the root problem of anxiety - the parents!

Often parents unintentionally burden the child with high expectations. They talk about friends’ kids who scored 95% without going for tuitions, or someone else who went on a scholarship to the US and the comparisons go on ad nauseam. Sometimes there is even sibling comparison - “Teachers never complained about Ankita. Whereas I’m summoned to the school every time you fail in a terminal exam. I’m really exasperated.” Then in casual conversation words like, “useless” “hopeless” are bandied around, making the child feel miserable. Nothing seems to make the parents happy. If a child scores 50% the reaction is “not even a first class”; if he scores 70%, then they say “this is mediocre, you won’t get anywhere with this kind of percentage; if he gets 80% - “only if you get 90% can you get into a good college as cutoffs are so high now.”

If the child fails parents first chastise him and then subject him to icy treatment for letting them down. In extreme cases the child is caned/hit. Those who can afford it send their child for tuitions; the stricter and harsher the tutor is, the more he is in demand.

It seems to be an inescapable and vicious cycle. Parents think that if a child does not do well then it is a reflection of their parenting skills. They believe that they have invested all their time, effort and money on making him study and the end result is nothing to boast about. High marks are equated with high intelligence; plus high marks help one gain entry into reputed colleges. So parents expect their children to score high marks mainly to make the journey of education smoother.

Even those who realise that marks are not a yardstick to measure intelligence know that without the required marks higher education is impossible. Hence all around parents are wringing their hands in despair. Parents cry about the system, against the system, complain about the deteriorating quality of teachers, the exhaustive syllabus etc. What they forget is that the process of education should be fun, informative and should make the child curious to know more. While doing this if he can structure his thoughts into an exam format then there will be no fear.

As a student (now a parent) you might have been first in class; but you surely know of those backbenchers who have risen very high. Some do well throughout their academic career and then fizzle out; some bloom much later; and some get suffocated. Parents must learn to take it easy and not nag if the child is above average in class.

The horse that reaches the finishing line is the one who picks up speed in the last few laps. The atmosphere at home must be supportive and encouraging. Sit with your child and explain the difficult parts to him. In case you don’t know the answers try to help him find them. Regale him with anecdotes from your own childhood. For instance when my son was doing his ICSE his Maths was incomprehensible to me; I’d first look up the answers at the back of the book and work my way upwards! When he saw me doing this he laughed uncontrollably and said, “Ma I can’t do this for the exam!” I told him that in school even Elementary Maths was beyond my ken, and thanks to a brilliant IIT material boy seated behind me I managed to pass the monthly tests. Husband insisted on sending my son for tuition just in case he had inherited my Maths genes! Slowly Maths made sense to him and he did very well. Looking back we both have such happy memories.

During exam time try to be at home when he is studying, but don’t sit around chewing your nails with anxiety. Carry on with your own schedule - read a book or watch TV and don’t feel guilty if you go out for a short while. It will make him feel worse if you curtail all your activities when he has exams. Interrupt him in-between with a soft drink or his favourite snacks and chat with him for a few minutes. If he has done badly in the previous paper tell him not to cud chew over it and to concentrate on the forthcoming one. Make meal times fun times by talking about something that you have read or seen.

Ultimately parents must remember that one exam cannot make or mar a career. Education is more than just marks - the learning process must go on continuously. Do not take everything so seriously, it is up to you to lighten the load placed on your children. It is our responsibility to look after our children, not place burdens on their little heads. You think you are shouting at them for their own good, but you are scarring them and making them hate the very word “study.”