It is not unusual for Clare Arni to send postcards to her friends from Africa or Bali or a place most people have traced on a map but never tasted or smelt.

She swims neck deep in adventure and revels also in the occasional spells of calm when she is home in Bangalore, watching son Abhimanyu grow. She proves that life can be anything we want it to be and her gender and its supposed limitations do not come in the way at all.  Post the death of architect husband Nikhil Arni, she has backpacked through life with her son in tow and survived to celebrate the tale.

She says, “Being a professional photographer and a single parent had its challenges but I wholeheartedly recommend it. Work has often entailed long stints of travelling  and I took Abhimanyu everywhere with me when he was young. The longest was four months in a Maruti 800, travelling along the Cauvery river, documenting the civilisations that had risen along its banks. I would intersperse my shoots with ‘Abhimanyu's things’ - like walking with crabs, searching for otters and making sandcastles. We worked out that one day was my day when he was not allowed to grumble and the next day was his and he could choose whatever he wanted to do and I could not complain. This has worked ever since, and I have ended up learning a huge amount through his interests and vice versa.’’

She continues, “As Abhimanyu got older and couldn’t miss school, out-of-town assignments required careful planning and a network of friends and family which made it possible for me to document the history of Varanasi, Hampi and the beauty parlours of Asia as well as countless other projects. I would always make sure that I was home for the weekends and was there when he got home from school. I also have my office in my home. But what made all of this really work is the open and honest relationship I have with my son. We talked when I was going away to make sure it was a good time for him or if he wanted to come with me. I would travel when he had holidays. Now Abhimanyu is 17 and independent but he still often wants to come with me!’’
The adventure that is Clare’s life continues and she says, “An upcoming project will involve large chunks of life on the road but by then Abhimanyu will be at a college in England and I will sadly no longer be juggling motherhood and work!’’

Compartmentalise

There are many women like Clare today who dance through life and breeze through its once insurmountable walls. Who neither subscribe to a long suffering sisterhood of women with stained aprons nor to the idea of being career-driven engines with no fuel to spare.

Take Tania Khosla, Design Director of TSK Design, a graphic design firm that specialises in brand design and strategic communication graphics with clients ranging from Biocon, Sap, the Park Hotels, the Taj Hotels, MTV, Nike and more.

Tania was one of the 10 Indian designers whose work was exhibited at the Victoria and Albert Museum, London in a show called Global Local. She was chosen by Wallpaper, a leading international design magazine as one of top 100 emerging designers worldwide. Her work has travelled to Milan and to the Institute of Contemporary Arts-London, featured in international magazines and books and yet she says, “My kids are my number one priority and I am completely involved in their lives, be it school, friends, hobbies or just hanging out with them. My time with them is both a stress release and a full time job in itself. I know that to give them my best, I need to be calm when I get home. Yoga has helped me do that and today I do everything with full awareness and am able to maintain a certain balance and calm.’’

Role juggling

She continues, “I’ve learnt over the years to compartmentalise my day into pockets and each is dedicated to a certain aspect of my life: kids, work, home, myself. As much as possible, I focus completely on what I am doing at that given time and give it my best and complete attention. And then I switch gears. But sometimes it does happen that my kids call when I am at work or the other way around. This is inevitable. But I switch off my mobile when I get home (although my kids would say otherwise!)’’ 

Tania manages this incessant role juggling because she wants to. She says, “Is it hard? It depends on what you want out of life. The key is to know what you want. If I had to stay home all day or just work all day, I would be miserable. So to be able to do both is the perfect situation. But yes, this could be very difficult without support and infrastructure. I have the most supportive husband (Architect Sandeep Khosla) and good help at home that makes it possible for me to juggle away! Women must be allowed the space to figure out what they want and the support that will help them to get there.’’

“While I compartmentalise my time, what makes straddling both worlds possible is that I involve both my kids in my work life so that they understand and relate to what I do. Life away from them is not something they resent but can participate in. My son Aryaman comes to the office every day after school and has lunch with the designers at the office. He interacts with them, plays on the computers, watches what’s going on and it’s amazing how much he absorbs. Then he’s happy to go home and play till his sister comes home. And my daughter Mahika, she’s very special. Often she’ll ask me what I’m working on and then she takes her sketch book and asks me if she can help design a logo or brainstorm a name for a magazine. This kind of sharing/engaging really helps to keep connected with the kids.”

Growth in all directions

For Rupali Sebastian, editor of design magazine Better Interiors, life is about growth in all directions. She works hard and determinedly, frequently travels and yet has enough  energy and warmth to give away to family and her brood of friends.

She says, “I don't know if my case is typical. For one, I don't have kids. Secondly, I am blessed to have a full-time housekeeper. But when she is not there, I do have a taxing schedule that involves both running a home and a magazine. My day is typically divided into three chunks. In the morning, 6:30 am to 8 am is reserved for home, 9 am to 6:30 pm is office and 7 onwards is home again. On the weekend, I cook extra food and store it in boxes in the freezer. So each meal would have a  fresh portion and a frozen one. Washing, cleaning the house is done in the evening or handled by my husband (Photographer Sebastian Zacchariah) under great duress! Oh yes, working women do need to compromise. Running a house and an office are extremely gruelling if there are kids. Even if there is an involved dad on the scene, I think the nurturing mantle is borne by the woman. There is no running away from this fact. Women have changed their prescribed roles and are providing as well as nurturing so something's going to give, isn't it?’’

Danseuse Rashme Hegde Gopi travelled the world for her dance performances with her kids when they were young  and when they began school, she curtailed travel and did things that did not involve travelling. “It is a choice only a woman can make,’’ she says and adds, “She has to figure, how she wants to manage her life. No one else can do it for her.’’

As more and more women grow wings to soar above stereotypes, they also are discovering unique ways to blend the expanse of the outside world with the sheltering warmth of their efficiently-run homes. For a woman is never complete till she can fly. And is never happy till she can nourish her roots. 



THE FINE ART OF BALANCE

The awkward flounces she danced in as the rock-and-roll baby of Meri Jung belong to another life and time. Today Khushbu has outgrown her iconic acting career in the south and has evolved into a fearless woman of many opinions and roles. She is a mother who will never use the word ‘compromise' in relation with her children or with her work, which now includes running a multi-dimensional production house, anchoring talk shows, making her own television shows and films. In everything that she does and says, there is a sense of uncluttered clarity, discipline and yet an unmistakable warmth. Yes, Khushbu has it all and the best part is that she figured it all out for herself, piece by piece, moment by moment. She got it all because she wanted it all. So how did she do it? Says Khushbu, ``The word is not compromise but balance. I do not compromise my family or my work. But my family is my first priority. My film career has taken back seat and in the last five years, I have done just one film a year. I am never away from my children for more than 3-4 days. I never go to outdoor shoots and make sure I don't work on weekends. If I work on these days, I ensure that my kids can visit me. As for the support system, well, I have my husband. This year, am going to be tied up with many new projects but with help and time-management, it should work out.''     


WHY DO THE WHYs PERSIST?

The balancing act is initially not easy to master as Savi Nalapath (name changed), is finding out. As a media professional, she spent years taking on challenging work in India and abroad but she had to take a break when her baby arrived. “It is something that I signed up for and I have to be there for my daughter,’’ she says.
Much as she enjoys motherhood, she cannot help wondering at the societal attitudes that expect women to make all the changes. She says, “I miss making my own money though one is always asked whey I need to make ‘MY’ money since my husband is making enough for both of us! The fact that I can have financial or creative needs of my own is totally overlooked. It is said that women have the freedom to choose what they want today. I would say that it is a limited freedom because you can choose work only if it does not interfere with your family life. It is not possible to have it all, not without a great support system and how many women have that? If a woman needs to support her family monetarily, she will still need to be the primary care-giver. But if she wants to work only for the pleasure and the financial freedom it gives her, there will still be people questioning why she needs to leave her children to do something just for herself. Every decision that a woman takes is questioned but I hope to find a way to do what is right for me and for my daughter.’’