There comes a time when your entire life reaches a flashpoint . That is when you put everything on hold and seek out professional help.
"Doctor I have a crisis. Every day I look in the mirror and wonder who I am. Or if I am anybody at all. Or just a sum of all the brands I use."
"Right", he said briskly. "Lets begin at the beginning. When do your symptoms surface? And what are you doing when this happens ?"
"I am brushing my teeth and identifying with my Close Up toothpaste, or wait a minute- maybe it's the one with salt in it….see I am confused to start with."
"Not an issue.The greatest men have identified with their toothpaste.Tolstoy did. So did Churchill. Even tell my wife not to squeeze me in the middle. So where is the problem?"
"Doc, the problem gets worse when I move on to my mouthwash . I identify with that too."
"You are an advertisers dream ." "Then I identify with my soap. And if for some reason the soap is changed I have an identity breakdown"
"The secret, lady, is never never change your soap."
" I must remember that. Its just that I get carried away by. Aishwarya Rai, Sometimes even the lady who looks like her daughter's sister"
"I see that we will have to strengthen your immune system and build up your resistance. Let us begin with your origins. Where were you born?"
"In Incredible India"
"Who were your parents?"
"Sure. My Dad smoked Dunhill pipes with Three Nuns tobacco and my Mother used MaxFactor.
"I mean what was their names?"
" I am not sure but they had a Fiat and they both had a fetish for Cadbury's.”
"Do you recall who you are married to?"
"That's easy. He wears Arrow shirts, writes with Mont Blanc and drives a Toyota. The problem occurs when he wears a different brand of shirt"
"Think hard now. Do you recall his name?"
"I am not sure if its Tommy Hillfiger or Crocodile…. one of them."
"Hmm Its more serious than I thought. What is your name?"
"Somedays I think it is Estee Lauder. Other days I think it is Tommy Girl. On a really bad day I seem to think my name is Ramtirth Brahmi. "
"Hmm. What does the word brand mean to you?"
"A brand is something one identifies with to be identified as someone"
"Perfect! So what are the brands you identify with?"
"My toes identify with Revlon. My legs identify with Levi’s. My feet identify with Ferragamo. My stomach identifies with one brand of tea, another brand of coffee, one brand of bread, a brand of jam, one of sauce, one of pickle……..get the picture?"
"Yes, yes carry on, I am making notes ".
"My torso identifies with Zara, my neck with Tanishq my body identifies with a certain talc, another brand of deo and another perfume and when it comes to my face ….."
"Stop," he said "I think I've solved this case. This is a serious form of severely Fragmented Brand Identity Crisis. In psychiatric circles we call it FBI and I am afraid it is terminal."
"Omigod. Are you saying I will die? I haven't even got around to using some of my favourite brands yet."
"Its not fatal. You just have to manage it by systematic rotation of brands-- all your life"
"Doc how can I manage a Fragmented Brand Identity if I cannot afford any of the brands I identify with?""You just afforded me. I am a brand too, in case you did not know. Now who do I make the bill out to?"
