Thanks to my friends and well-wishers, my life has changed beyond recognition of late.

I no longer eat vegetables, wheat, meat, chicken, cereals, nuts, fruits or drink colas and milk, because I know they will create havoc in my hapless system. And sprout hair on my chest.

I do not use deo because my emails tell me it causes cancer and harms the environment. And if I smell like a hencoop on  a wet day it's a  small sacrifice to make for the world..

I have thrown away my microwave because someone sent me a pictorial record of what happens to a plant watered by microwaved water and I didn't sleep for five nights.

But then someone also sent me a note on the hazards of using gas but since I am not eating anymore I do not need to cook.

I answer my cell phone by keeping it a foot away lest the radiation scramble up my grey cells. For some strange reason I have stopped receiving calls from my friends.

Which leaves me very few people to use my newly acquired lifesaving techniques on. The other day I rushed the husband to a hospital telling him he was getting stroke. It turned out that he had a sticky toffee in his mouth.

I have 98844466 angels  directing a bout of good luck my way because I have forwarded uncountable prayers to as many people.

But  the emails that I did not forward  have created bad luck which is out there slugging it out with the good luck and canceling each other out.

I've won innumerable lotteries on the net. But for some strange reason I have to keep sending them money to process it. When I asked them to use some of my winnings to process it, they stopped emailing me.

I have been invited to include myself in the friendship lists of some 366790 strangers. I am flattered, but I like to choose my own friends. Even if they send me 300 lousy photographs of their last vacation in Maldives to make me feel bad.

I've been  asked to increase the size of a part of anatomy which I  wasn't born with …not even in a  midget  size. I've also been offered Viagra at  unbelievable prices by people very concerned about my sex life.

Maybe it is the same kind souls who keep sending me nude female pictures. Maybe to encourage me to go to the gym more often.

About 798000 people have sent me news about a poor child dying of cancer and if I pass on the  email to 187 people, Microsoft will contribute money towards his treatment.

Why doesn't Microsoft just contribute the money and stop cluttering millions of inboxes, I will never know.

Then there are the risque jokes my friends send me in multiples of 12 which make my laptop blush and refuse to open, so I've  had to learn the art of laughing without seeing the joke. Which does  improve my sense of humour.

Now that I am spending the better part of my day saving the world and its various species, sending windfalls of luck to my friends, saving countless lives while starving to death, the least you can do is forward this to 699 people within the next three minutes…..or else you will turn into a mouse and be eternally pushed around by people like me who want to save the world with a click.