Most of us know that success finally boils down to one critical internal fuel – self esteem. While most of us know that we should have a high self esteem, most of us also think that self esteem is some esoteric characteristic that gets developed ‘God knows how’.

As parents, hence, it is imperative to realise that it is our day-to-day interactions that both build and erode self esteem of a child. So the key question is, “What am I focusing on?”

Komal is an intelligent girl. She worked hard for her exams. Today she brought her report card home. 90% in three subjects, 80% in two and 65% in one. Sheepishly she showed it to her parents. "What, ONLY 65% in English! Didn't I tell you to watch less TV". "But Papa….". Komal tried defending in vain. "No Buts!", her mother joined in, "This is disgraceful, I knew something like this will would happen in the end".

An extreme example, or a common story? Two pointers: One, what happened to the three 90s and two 80s? Doesn’t she deserve an adulation, acclamation and celebration FIRST? Isn't what she achieved more important than what she didn’t achieve? Two, what do you think is going on inside poor Komal's mind.

Suppose you have given two children work and you walk into the room and see one child working hard, while the other is just fiddling around. What would you do? Research shows that 80% of all adults are more likely to reprimand the distracted child in some way.

However, imagine if you were to go to the child who is working diligently and with a big pat on the back exclaim, "I really like the way you work!" I leave it to your imagination how this will affect the other child in the room!

Simply put - this is called positive reinforcement - reinforcing behaviour, which is positive so that it is repeated more often. And it is simple - just ensure that you actively look out for your child doing things right and praise him/ her immediately.

So, instead of scolding her when she is watching TV, praise her when she is NOT watching TV and actually doing homework. Instead of reminding him about the clutter in his room, acclaim when he is actually cleaning the room. Instead of saying, ‘why are you dropping your food outside the plate,’ praise him for his wonderful eating habits when the child is actually doing so.

As humans we remember whatever we are told - so instead of the kid remembering where he was wrong, let him remember where he was right. The logic is evident - concentrate on negatives and you will get more of them. Focus on positives, reinforce them, and you will get more of them. The choice is yours!

So what are you focusing on?

Look at it this way - If I were to tell you that there is gold hidden below the point where you are sitting – what would you do? Obviously you would start digging. And what would you initially get? You will get mud, muck, debris, stones and rocks – waste. And what would you do with the waste? You would probably shove them all aside. Why so? Because you were digging for gold, in the first place!

And all the mud and muck that comes on the way is hence irrelevant. You are focused on the gold. If you were to focus on the debris and the muck what would you get? You get what you focus on! Dig for gold and you will get gold.

If you want children to have high self esteem then you need to DIG FOR GOLD inside them. And we do this by focusing on what is right inside them. We go out of our way to catch them doing right things and praise that. We are not talking about pompous make-them-feel-good praise. We are talking about specific catch-him-right praise.

So what are you focusing on?

The author is director of Geniekids which conducts regular workshops for parents and teachers. Visit www.geniekids.com for details.