Marriage magic
FOR HARMONY’S SAKE
Before you succumb to the magic of romance and the search for everlasting love, take care to choose the right partner, writes Vimla Patil
In the life of an Indian couple — and often for the whole family — marriage is the most important milestone, perhaps because it unites not only the bride and bridegroom in the marriage bond, but also their entire families and friends.Some traditional legends associated with marriage continue to influence the thinking of a large number of Indians even today. For instance, marriage is supposed to ‘steady’ and ‘sort out’ the life of a man who parties hard and is seen as a rake. It is also a welcome hiatus for the parents of young women! However progressive they are, they feel that they have ‘done their duty of handing over their protected daughter to the right man’.
Somehow, a marriage is visualised as a panacea for all the problems of Indian youth.
On the other hand however, more and more marriages are breaking down — especially in India’s urban areas — because of the wrong choice made by parents or by the couple themselves. “This is because intuition still plays a major role in the choice of the right partner,” says Sunayana Kamath, a life coach, “There is no way to know a person completely however much one tries. Youth is a period of miasmic change and passion or impetuousness often covers the real qualities of a would-be groom or bride.”
What are the possible causes of skirmishes after marriage? Here are some examples.
“Madhur has been a pampered-out-of-his-mind son,” says Nina Mehta, a recent bride, “He cannot take ‘no’ for an answer. If he does not get his way, he sulks till I apologise and give in however wrong the decision may be for me. Some day, I will be tired of this and will not take it anymore. I am just averting this day.” “My young husband can’t stand my camaraderie with my staff or domestic help. He is brought up to distinguish clearly between social classes and can’t see me ‘demeaning’ myself by laughing or eating with them. I was brought up in an ‘equal’ household and can’t bear his ‘overlordship’,” says recently-married Sunidhi Pradhan.
There are women who are completely career-minded and do not want home responsibilities or motherhood; there are men who want to have a buddy party every night and come home late; there are stingy husbands who hang on to their money and wives who want to compete at the workplace to earn more and more. A thousand situations can affect a marriage. But broadly, the roadblocks come from a few categories of trouble and thus, they have to be checked out well before a young woman or man plans to tie the knot with everlasting happiness in mind.
- Lifestyles — If a man and woman have diametrically different priorities where family, work, sexual habits, food, religion and culture are concerned, there is bound to be trouble in the relationship. For instance, a Jain marrying a Muslim has to talk about vegetarian vs. non-vegetarian food in the house. They have to discuss how religious each is and how each will follow his or her own religious beliefs or practice rituals. They must also discuss the future of their children if any.
- Money — This can be a big problem for several reasons. Nidhi Nayyar, the head of the HR division of a large MNC, earns more than her husband. He never misses a chance to taunt her or her friends with the result that there is too much bitterness in their lives which has no cure. Neither wants to change and actually look forward to time away from each other.
- Responsibilities — Young men and women today usually do not share household jobs with their parents. When they set up their own home, the traditional view that a woman will look after the home often causes heartburn and frustration, especially if she is a careerist. It is common for couples to fling traditional accusations at each other about their roles and worse, about their families that have ‘brought them up wrongly’!
- Family is sacred to both partners — Maligning one and cozying up to the other is sure to bring cracks in a marriage. It is often difficult to balance between two families, especially if there are religious, ethnic, cultural, regional, language or food differences.
- Clothes, the look of a person, the habits or vices — these may seem small but can cause lots of trouble. How should a husband look? And how should a wife dress? A couple can have disagreements on this issue. So also, if the social crowds they hang out with are diametrically different, there can be trouble.
- City of residence — though long distance marriages are on the rise, different cities, countries and cultures can affect the closeness of a marriage. Sometimes, extra marital affairs result from having to live with an absentee partner and this is ruinous to a marriage.
- Infidelity — However modern Indians think they are, they are not able to see ‘extra-marital affairs’ as acceptable to either spouse.
- Children? — if so how many? How should they bring them up? These are trying times for parents with schools, studies, constant demands, health problems of children and so on. Couples choosing to be childless also have squabbles when it is too late to change their minds!
Marriage today has wiped out traditional legends such as 1. Marriage will cure loneliness. Not true. One can be very lonely in a bad marriage. 2. It will provide a super sex life. Not necessarily – bad vibes can ruin a couple’s sexual life. 3. It will create a united, strong family that lives happily ever after. No, this does not happen in most cases unless there is sincere effort from all parties. 4. Whatever the problem, once a child is born, everything will fall in place. Indeed, the responsibility of a child can worsen problems if both partners are not ready for parenthood. 5. We are not caste, region or religion conscious. These differences don’t matter any longer. Very often, they do and they can topple the best of marriages without warning! 6. Also, the ease with which a marriage can be dissolved and the acceptance of families of this situation has resulted in a higher number of couples fighting till they reach the family court for a divorce!
So before a bride or groom makes the final choice of a partner, what should she or he look for to be fairly assured of a good marriage? Communication — sort out all glitches by talking respectfully to each other and others involved; Clarity of the vision of the future.
Both should want the same things and share their dreams; Concern — for each other’s happiness, physical and mental safety and peace; Compassion — no human being is perfect — physically, mentally or spiritually. So, constant fault finding, comparisons and sulky silences are out; Companionship — of all ingredients of a marriage, this lasts the longest; And, most importantly, the magic quotient of spirituality helps a couple see beyond their limited vision of their family and its needs.
