JOIN USOnce a lecher, always a lecher
My neighbour Reeta Devi Varma has given me a foot high lamp with glass on all its four sides.
Inside is a wax-lit ‘diya.’ Since it is enclosed on all sides, its flame rarely flickers. At times it waves gently, then stays still. I gaze at it for hours when alone in the evening. I find solace and peace of mind. I am told that it is a form of meditation. But my mind is far from being still. On the contrary if anything, it is super-active.
Coming on to 98, I have little left to look forward to but lots to reminisce about the past 97 years. I draw a balance sheet of my achievements and failures. On the credit side I have over 80 books: novels, collections of short stories, biographies, histories, translations from Punjabi and Urdu and a lot of essays which some people found readable. On the debit side was my character.
I came to the sad conclusion that I have always been a bit of a lecher. From the tender age of four right to the present time when I complete 97, it was lechery that has been uppermost in my mind. I was never able to conform to the Indian ideal of regarding women as my mothers, sisters or daughters. Whatever their ages, to me they were, and are objects of lust. And am I the only fellow so low in self-estimation? Whatever it may be that happens to be the truth about myself.
Serpent cure
An Uttar Pradeshi has shown us a new way of fighting corruption which may prove more effective than street demonstrations and new Acts of parliament. When a civil servant, thanedar, magistrate or a judge demands a bribe, let loose a few snakes in his or her office. I am sure it will prove effective if we organise the operation with meticulous detail. There should be shops which sell reptiles at reasonable prices. Also snake-handlers who will take serpents from the shop, release them in corrupt officials’ offices and bring them back after he or she has sworn never to ask for a bribe again. We must put an end to ‘Ooper kee Aamdan’ - income from above. Attacking it from below with the help of snakes may prove effective. If venomous snakes are considered too dangerous to play with, perhaps scorpions may be used.
Bicycle eater
When I run out of idea of writing, for something that will interest my readers I turn to Private Eye which my neighbour Reeta Devi Varma delivers to me every fortnight. The first item I turn to is Funny Old World. It specialises in highlighting the prevalence of crack-pots in different countries. The latest issue tells of an Austrian who ate bicycles. I reproduce it in full: “Choking on the pedal was a wake-up call for me,” Branko Crnogorac told a press conference in Apatin (Serbia), “because I almost died. That was the moment when I realised I should give up trying to eat an entire bicycle in three days, and since then, I just haven’t had the same desire to eat metal. After sixty years of eating everything, I’ve realised that my digestive system is not as strong as it used to be, so I’ve decided to retire.”
Earlier, 80-year-old Crnogorac had spoken about his unusual career. “It all started when I was 20, and a friend recommended eating sand to combat an acid stomach. It worked, so I thought, why not try something else, and one thing led to another. In my career, I have eaten 25,000 light bulbs, 12,000 forks, 2,000 spoons, 2600 plates, 400 snow shakers and nearly 6,000 old vinyl records.
But taking on a bet to eat an entire bicycle in three days almost killed me. After I choked on the pedal, I needed emergency surgery, and doctors found two kilograms of ironware in my stomach, including dozens of bicycle spokes and two gold rings. Clearly, I’m not digesting metal like I used to, so it’s time for me to stop. It’s not healthy.”
Congress symbol
Till now Sharad Pawar had only seen the Congress symbol, now he has experienced it first hand!
Santa’s logic: When I was a child, homosexuality was a crime in India
As I grew up, it was acceptable.
Now it is legal.
I’d better leave India
Before they make it compulsory.
(Contributed by Vipin Buckshey, Delhi)