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DRESS NONSENSE

These guys are rich, they’re famous, they have the best designers at their disposal and they’re loaded with enough cash to buy themselves the most exclusive labels in the world.

And, mind you, part of their job is to look good. They have no excuse to not be perfectly dressed 24/7. Or, at least, while the cameras are clicking. Yet, they turned up at public events looking like something the cat had dragged in from the garbage dump.

They wore their underclothes above their top clothes, they hung curtains and tablecloths around their necks, they cut jackets out of sofa upholstery and they scared us out of our wits with their weird makeup and strange hairdos. Do we excuse them for inflicting their bad taste on us? No, we don’t! For your reading pleasure, we are aiming some rotten eggs and tomatoes at the celebs who made holes in our eyes with their dress sense. Actually, a complete lack of it.

Ekta Kapoor
Not only has Ekta been scaring us with her tear-jerker soaps and horror films like Ragini MMS, she has taken that responsibility a bit too seriously by deciding to personally add to the scare factor.
For various award ceremonies, premiers and parties, she turned up in tablecloths, bedroom curtains, bed sheets, rugs and sometimes voluminous gowns fashioned out of the above mentioned material. Occasionally, she was also spotted in stringy batik print tops that she couldn’t decide needed to be tied around her neck or her waist so they fell somewhere in between.

Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan
Mrs Rai-Bachchan turned up at the Cannes red carpet in a black and white ensemble with a tail (spelling intentional) that made her look like a killer whale thrown out of water.

All she needed was to sprout a geyser and she could have fooled us into believing she was auditioning for a role in the next Finding Nemo film. Only, she wasn’t looking cute enough.

She also sported a weird hairdo and a geometry box that passed off as a hand bag, Mrs Bachchan might have looked better had she turned up in her maternity gown. But at Prix de Diane, France, she showed us that she couldn’t do that either.

She was spotted in a sickly pale pink outfit with a boring hat that took her out of the yummy mummy list right away.

Congratulations on the new born but next time you’re pregnant Ash, take a leaf out of Lara Dutta’s book. She can show you what gorgeous celebrity moms are supposed to look like.

So happy new year folks! Remember, we are nobodies which gives us a right to wear what we want, however hideous. So continue to do that. As for the celebrities. There’s a price you pay for stardom, our famous friends. Dress better next year. Or don’t step out of your designer bedrooms. We’ll be watching you.

Dishonourable mentions
Mallika Sherawat wore a black dress to the premiere of Inglorious Bastards in LA and then decided that her underwear was too pretty to stay under so she slashed it completely to show us what lies beneath. Nauheed Cyrusi couldn’t find her brazierre for the evening out and decided to go without it, completely underestimating the powers of the paparazzi and their flash bulbs that bared it all.

Ayesha Takia turned up at the Lakme Fashion Week in some billowing fabric that looked like the tent had fallen on her and she had come with it cheerfully dangling around her neck.

Sonali Kulkarni wore a frilly black jumpsuit in the dark and when the lights came on realised it was completely see through. And Rakhi Sawant kept turning up in shiny glittery stuff (her favourite fabric) that looked like she had taken it off a dabba of mithai, mismatched shoes and bows tied around her neck. One of these days Rakhi, someone will give that bow an extra twist and you’ll be left with no breath to “call the medias”.

Vidya Balan
Doing her Dirty Picture director proud, not only in the film but also in wardrobe horrors was Vidya Balan, a regular on the worst dressed list over the years. Though we are big suckers for her talent, her dressing sense needs a lot to be desired. She took her Silk Smitha dressing to press conferences, publicity events, reality shows and even real life. But fans weren’t scandalised since we’ve seen her in her own clothes which are much worse. Stick with silk saris Vidya, even you can’t go wrong there.

John Abraham
John has managed to hold on to an acting career on the basis of three facial expressions — teak, mahogany and rubber. But over the past one year, he not only subjected us to his wooden expressions, he also grew so much muscle that he could easily be placed in the forest of Gir and have the lions mistaking him for a tree trunk. And if looking at that was not unappetizing enough, the other day he turned up at the airport in bathroom slippers, a ganji and shorts that made us wonder if he had sprinted to catch his flight straight from the shower.

Sushmita Sen
Giving Rai bad clothes company this year was her pal from the good old Miss India days — former Miss Universe Sushmita Sen. At a public appearance, Sen had the gall to show up in a red and black satin housecoat that she had most definitely borrowed from the late Ashok Kumar from the days of Eastmancolour.

All she needed was a pipe and a cough and she could have passed off as Kumar reincarnated. To make her outfit even weirder, she teamed it up with pointy black boots that were straight out of a witch’s wardrobe. Audiences half expected her to get on a broom and fly off into the sunset. Actually, half of them hoped she would do just that.

Shahrukh Khan
Shahrukh does it best when he sticks to his black suits. But this year he decided he would get jackets cut out of the velvet sofa upholstery Gauri was throwing out. So he blinded us with shiny blue blazers and pink girlie beads and bands decorating his oily pony tail. He even hung a bag across a shoulder to make us go: what-the-hell-is-he-wearing? The dark Ray Bans were the only saving grace. Actually, we needed those more than him to protect our sensitive eyes from the light bouncing off his disco dress.