Press Esc to close
Monday 28 July 2014
News updated at 1:47 PM IST
Weather
Max: 0°C
Min : 0°C
In Bangalore
Sunny day

Man versus mobile

Smiti Jain Narayan, Nov 25, 2012 :

Humour

It looked innocuous enough, sitting there on the shelf in the showroom. Sleek, shiny, and smart. Who knew there would be an evil mind lurking beneath that cool exterior?

The salesman stepped up with the practised ease of an old conjuror, and launched into a smooth spiel about its impressive, expansive range of capabilities and functions — the latest android OS, the smartphone to beat all smartphones, god of GPRS, multimedia magician, saviour of mankind. Touch and you shall receive. Or send, share, spread, as the case may be.

By the end of his little speech, it seemed the only thing this geeky gizmo couldn’t do was cook the dinner and walk the dog. The wily salesman’s bending over backwards trying hard to look sincere, savvy and servile all at once, worked.


So the credit card got flashed, the signature got scribbled on the dotted line, and the deed was done.

And you walked out, quite pleased with your judicious purchase, proud owner of the latest, greatest thing since beyblade. “Ha!” said a little voice that seemed to emanate from the bag you were carrying. Or, was it just your overactive imagination?

And then began the war of Man versus Mobile, Intelligence versus Artificial Intelligence, Good versus Evil. Yes, the mobile was positively evil. Mean, malicious, malevolent. It delighted in cocking a snook at you at every given opportunity.
On a long-distance call with your brother in the US while pretending to be in a business discussion at work?

That’s the moment the damn thing will decide to switch to speaker mode. Expecting a desperately important call from a client and wondering why he hasn’t still reverted? Oh, wait, there are three missed calls — the phone had gone into silent.

Chatting with a friend for the last two hours, indulging in some harmless character assassination of all common acquaintances? The phone decides you’ve spread enough ill-will in the world and decides to disconnect you. All of its own accord. Its own free will. And with a nasty chortle accompanying each such machination. It’s true, I swear! I’m sure I’ve heard it.

I mean, aren’t we supposed to be the superior beings around here? Are humans not controlling the planet anymore? What’s the world coming to??? How can you expect to keep your kids in check if you can’t even manage to control your cellphone?

The list of cruel deeds perpetrated by this devious device is endless: when the call is important, the battery will die on you. When that unforgettable (and unrepeatable) Kodak moment presents itself to be captured on camera, it will hibernate. And when you try to quickly forward those critical details to someone just as they’re about to start their meeting, it will go into a slow, languorous loop. And chortle.

It’s a Chinese conspiracy, I’m telling you, to destabilise India and slowly the world at large. It’s a plague unleashed upon the world, far worse than the Bubonic plague. It’s a curse that has us all in its horrible vice-like grip with no hope of escape or redemption.

But wait. All is not lost. If the phone can be smart, humans can be smarter. I’ve come upon an equally devious solution to beat the thing at its own game. Now, every time the cellphone rings, I run and quickly note the number flashing on the tiny virulent screen and disconnect the offending object. Why? I then use the landline! Now then, guess who gets to say the last ‘Ha!’

Go to Top

Photo Gallery
Force India Formula One driver Sergio Perez sits in his car after a crash during the Hungarian F1...

Force India Formula One driver Sergio Perez sits in his car after a crash during the Hungarian F1...

Cars burnt in clashes between two communities a day before is being removed by crane...

Cars burnt in clashes between two communities a day before is being removed by crane...

Renovation work being carried out by the NDMC at the Lodhi Garden in New Delhi...

Renovation work being carried out by the NDMC at the Lodhi Garden in New Delhi...

A man holds an umbrella as he rides a bicycle through a street during monsoon rains in Mumba....

A man holds an umbrella as he rides a bicycle through a street during monsoon rains in Mumba....

Flooded street duirng the continue rain in Mumbai...

Flooded street duirng the continue rain in Mumbai...

A boy sits on his handmade raft as he collects floating recyclable material in the waters...

A boy sits on his handmade raft as he collects floating recyclable material in the waters...

Muslims shout slogans during a demonstration to protest against Israeli airstrikes on Gaza strip...

Muslims shout slogans during a demonstration to protest against Israeli airstrikes on Gaza strip...

Muslims throng a marketplace near the Jama Mosque illuminated during the holy month of Ramadan...

Muslims throng a marketplace near the Jama Mosque illuminated during the holy month of Ramadan...

Shoppers crowd at a market ahead of the Eid al-Fitr festival in Ahmedabad. The Eid al-Fitr...

Shoppers crowd at a market ahead of the Eid al-Fitr festival in Ahmedabad. The Eid al-Fitr...

Muslims prepare plates of food for an Iftar (breaking of fast) meal, inside a mosque during the...

Muslims prepare plates of food for an Iftar (breaking of fast) meal, inside a mosque during the...

Copyright 2014, The Printers (Mysore) Private Ltd., 75, M.G Road, Post Box 5331, Bangalore - 560001
Tel: +91 (80) 25880000 Fax No. +91 (80) 25880523