JOIN USWhile it may seem that little siblings often have one aim in their lives - to give hell to the other, the ones that really suffer headache and near heartburn from it are parents, muses Mary Chelladurai.
“A gorgeous example of denial is the story about the little girl who was notified that a baby sister was on the way. She listened in thoughtful silence, then raised her gaze from her mother’s belly to her eyes and said, ‘Yes, but who will be the new baby’s mother?’ ”
- Judith Viorst
A mother once told her little daughter that having one baby had made her so full of love that now her love was overflowing and she had some left over to give to a second child. Such a beautiful way to express it to a kid, don’t you think? But nature has its own way with the kids. There is really no reason why the firstborn kid should be delighted at the obvious usurpation of his/her spotlight! The most common characteristic of childhood is to want what you want when you want.
The presence of a sibling certainly lowers the chance of getting things to run that way. Every child finds the need to feel special and loved. And why not? Isn’t it a reality of the human conditioning? Well, if you haven’t really given that a thought yet, watching sibling rivalry should give you a good headstart!
We parents desperately want the green-eyed monster of jealousy never to pop its neck between two siblings. We promise never to compare them, never to go in-between to take sides when there is a fight, and never to play favourites. And yet, there’s never a minute that passes without sparks flying! It looks as though both the siblings are bent on a single purpose: to make each other miserable. But the most miserable in all this are the parents.
The thumb rule in handling it is for the parents to accept sibling rivalry without fear or embarrassment. This will ease all anxieties and let them look at a number of techniques andattitudes. This can serve to minimize the chaos and create a survival kit for them.
* Ensure that the arrival of the baby changes a child’s life as little as possible, especially if (s)he has been the only child up to that time. It is wise for the father or a grand-parent to take over the caring of the elder child as pregnancy progresses. Let the child start feeling very close and bonded to the father or a grandparent. Make the transition slow and acceptable. This will prevent the child from experiencing abrupt changes, which (s)he will otherwise blame on the sibling’s arrival.
* It is good for a child to know ahead of time that (s)he is going to have a baby brother or sister, if (s)he is old enough to understand such an idea at all. This way, the kid can get used to the idea gradually. Don’t promise the kid as to whether it’s going to be a girl or a boy; a child takes a promise like that very seriously!
* Appeal to the older child to help in caring for the younger one, and show real appreciation for the child’s efforts. This will help the child to feel important, and imbibe a sense of responsibility at the same time.
*When a child comes with tears and complaints, pave way to accept the strong feelings of the child. This makes it easier for a child to change behaviour. Orders, threats, and warnings have only negative impact.
*Remind the older child of how big, strong, smart, and skillful (s)he is. Now, do not push too hard, for this can reverse the result and make the child reluctant to grow-up. Simply make the child feel important and proud of his/her maturity. Then, explain how being a baby has got a lot of disadvantages.
*It’s wise to go with the assumption that there is always some jealousy and some affection. Irrespective of whether they are overtly visible or not. Do not ignore or forcibly suppress jealousy or make the child feel ashamed about it. Simply help him/her to bring out more of the affectionate feelings.
* Be fair. But don’t try to equalise; that’s not natural or even truthful. Simply address the needs and care of each child in the best possible manner. Be generous in appreciating each child. Not false appreciation though. Always be genuine. Kids are smarter than you think.
While not all instances are bad, some might seem rather scary. You see, jealousy can take many forms.
For instance one child maybe quite polite. It may appear that (s)he is admiring the baby for a couple of days without enthusiasm, and then say, “Now take this baby back to the hospital!” Another child can direct all the resentment against his/her mother.
Another one may become sulky, mopey and dependent, lose the joy of playing, and instead follow the mother around, holding onto the edge of her clothes and sucking on his/her thumb. Yet anther kid may regress in its milestones and wet and soil the bed at night or even in the daytime! So, it is imperative for parents to observe these behaviours keenly and address them with a lot of re-assuring love and understanding.
Writer Erika Duncan says “Siblings are important because you know them the longest. You will probably outlive your parents and you don’t meet your friends or your husband until later, but your siblings are there for almost the same time as you are.”
Heaps of patience, a dash of tact, and bounds of love is all it takes to manage sibling rivalry. Easy said than done, yes. But it isn’t rocket science. Really. And they will grow out of it. Didn’t we all?