Saying it with tees

Humour

The morning prayer, Humko man ki shakti dena... beseeching the Almighty for ‘strength of mind’ is way into its last paragraph.

I open my eyes a wee bit to see the rows of teenagers singing and check if the class I am supposed to teach the first hour is present. The class row is headed by the ‘doubt master’ in a bright red T-shirt with a legend emblazoned next to a hand with the forefinger pointing, ‘The person to my right is an idiot’ .

I squeeze my eyes shut quickly. After prayers, I race up the stairs collecting my notes and chalk. Positioning myself next to the lectern, pushing it against the window to my left, so that all those with troublesome T-shirts would be to ‘my’ right only, I calmly await the onslaught of the ‘doubter’.

At home, my teen wears a fluorescent green shirt with, ‘This T-shirt turns green in the presence of morons’ inscribed cheekily on it. I’m glad she wore it so often that  repeated washes have turned it a light yellow, exalting the family IQ to a brainy status.

Students leaving after their engineering course think their patience of four years should be rewarded instantly by a fancy job. One disappointed boy from the village wore a shirt with, ‘I was born intelligent but education ruined me’ and met our department head. When questioned if he understood what the slogan implied, he retorted that he would have been better off without the engineering degree and greener pastures beckoned lucratively back home. He was now going to try the civil services! Hope he won’t start wearing, ‘I’ve learned so much from my mistakes... I’m thinking of making some more’.

The shopping complex near home is the haunt of the teenagers gobbling immense quantities of gobi manchurian, gold gappy, vada pav, pani puri and other street food. Maybe shedding extra kilos wasn’t the New Year resolution for the defiant teen who wore, ‘I’m in shape — round is a shape’, as she continued to contribute to the welfare of the street food vendors. In her defence, she can wear this shirt, ‘Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat’ or ‘I’m on a 30-day diet, so far I’ve lost 15 days’.

Proclaiming his intelligence wearing, ‘Not all men are fools, some stay bachelors’, this 20-something young man worriedly scanned the crowded roads, not exactly revelling in his single status. ‘I am not insane, my mother had me tested’, says a black T-shirt. The wearer is blissfully eating at the crowded restaurant. Why would you assert something like that, I wonder!

There is this slightly older conservationist outside the pub whose T-shirt instructs, ‘Conserve water — drink beer’. I’m sure his family would rather he conserve his health, wealth, and hence their happiness. The concerned chocoholic wore, ‘Save the Earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate’. Or the other boy (in all probability a hosteller) claiming righteously, ‘I support recycling, I wore this yesterday’. Walking with her head lost in thought was the perfectionist wearing, ‘Nobody is perfect, I am a nobody’.

But my harmless pastime took a beating trying to decipher the slogan on the T-shirt of a young man wearing, ‘Keep staring. I may do a trick’. Hanging onto overhead straps in the very crowded bus, still managing to check his phone for messages and listening to music, he was already a star performer. What with these crowded buses, the only trick I would have appreciated would be his floating out of the window when the bus stopped — bones and office bag intact!

Now, bitten by the bug, I want to say it with tees too. On busy weekdays, my T-shirt would state, ‘My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance’, and the one I wear on holidays would cry, ‘If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.’