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Passion play

Last Updated 15 January 2010, 11:12 IST
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Does he come on like a tsunami, in an unpredictable swirl and sweep you off your feet (despite your reservations) and cool off just as suddenly? Does he give you a heart bursting moment one day and a mild angina the next? He could well be the wolf in sheep’s clothing your mom had warned you about.

Mature women routinely fall prey to manipulative lovers who are past masters in the game of seduction with no desire for commitment or emotional attachment whatsoever. Vulnerable women often end up in this web of the archetypal love game that uses women as just ‘another flavour on the platter’.

“Love is a wonderful feeling, but with little or no commitment it is relegated to an amusing pastime,” says psychiatrist Anjali Deshpande. If one is looking for a long term commitment one has to be more careful, she adds.

Conscious exploitation

Behavioural gurus explain this in the context of the biological ‘chase and hunt’ game that has the male species looking for the female to pursue, and the female waiting to be wooed, eventually only to procreate. Much as in animal world, powerful attractions propel humans into exploratory passion with the exception that humans are capable of experiencing lust transform to the higher and more complex emotions of love and commitment.

Men and women, however, may use these natural instincts to bait and bed multiple partners depending on personality and circumstances.

“Boredom and ennui take over certain individuals more than others, and in the absence of responsibilities the hunting instinct may awaken again and again,” says Deshpande, adding, “what makes it dangerous is manipulation or conscious exploitation.”  
Serial manipulation for sexual gratification is, however, not very common among women.  “How many men complain of being sexually exploited in our society? Women more often than not come out feeling victimised instead,” she says.

Meet Gaurav (35) an archetypal ‘hunter’ who, despite being married, makes no bones about his penchant for “falling in love with every beautiful woman” he meets. It is a thrilling and unique experience each time.

“I am capable of loving more than one woman. That’s how I am,” he shrugs defiantly and says, “commitment and responsibility kill passion”. To live passionately one has to be free of possessiveness and that is “true love”, according to him.

 “In truth since sexual urges follow the pattern of diminishing returns, euphoria seeks newer pastures to experience the ‘high’ again,” observes Deshpande.

Psyche of a ‘hunter’

To cut through this sort of a web, one must understand the peculiar psyche of a manipulative hunter.  He is driven by testosterone, which guides both criminal and high-level intellectual activity in men. He has a powerful presence and is immensely resourceful. “His personal magnetism is nothing but sheer sexual energy which he may be quite incapable of handling,” says Deshpande.

He could be someone who is always the centre of attention in a confident way but will nevertheless exude several ambivalences, which will be telltale signs of his fickleness.  Many women tend to fall for just that. Everything that should set off those  alarm bells does just the opposite.

A tremendous sense of humour is sometimes a complex masking technique used by such men. Double entendre is often used with great panache to mask the truth.  A perfectly straight forward reply may hide a second meaning — often risqué or ironic — which could be completely lost on a naive partner. However, this could prove a turn on for the smarter one.

Such a man is also typically someone who cannot sustain a deep conversation. This is because his incessant creative energy finds a natural outlet in a libidinal high, that wanes as quickly as it rises, making him restless. Intimate conversations also make him vulnerable. His limited attention span helps him to be in control at all times. Ironically most women, even when they find it exasperating, work harder to get such a man’s attention. If such men appear vulnerable and needy for love it would be to get things in control as a last resort and again it invariably sweeps the woman off her feet.
Such men are often alternatively aggressive, offensive and then gentle and kind. Most women find this extreme shift in behaviour an overwhelming experience. Gaining acceptance after near rejection leaves them with a sense of fulfilment.

Preying on the vulnerable

It is easier for such men to score when the woman is looking for a leg up in her profession, or trying to overcome some deep crisis in her personal life. He will appear like a knight in shining armour, a saviour.  But soon, the so-called magical love will suddenly disappear in the wake of greater demands like more time, more intimacy, more transparency or more commitment. 

The woman in the web may choose to end the game here with angry outburst  and futile tears, or continue to ride a tantalising rollercoaster in the hope of a better tomorrow.  Herein a woman may unwittingly step into the greater web called ‘the harem’.
A lot of women who do not know how to cut away from their dependency and are unaware of the great juggling skills of this kind of man step into ‘the harem’ willingly. They are willing to live on crumbs of hope and resign themselves to face certain competition, even though they don’t get enough from the relationship. Only under large scale subterfuge, deceit and lies can one sustain multiple romantic relationships. This can have a devastating effect on the compliant partner.

Many others who may find the situation repressive and want to walk out will be confronted by an aggressive companion, unwilling to end the relationship.
‘I want you in my life’, is the man’s refrain and may be translated to mean ‘I cannot do without you’ but that is far from the truth.  “It is a huge insult to his ego to let anyone walk out on him. He will keep his women for whatever they are worth to enjoy their affection as and when he chooses to. One must demand time, respect, love, transparency and commitment, if stability is what one is looking for,” says Deshpande. Or else in the risky game of hunt and chase one may wake up with a broken heart, or with self-esteem shredded to bits.

TWF

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(Published 15 January 2010, 11:12 IST)

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