<p>The ear is forever glued to the smartphone, fingers dancing on the laptop. We can talk to our hearts’ content, express opinions, update statuses. But is anybody really listening, wonders Jisha Krishnan<br /><br /></p>.<p>Me: hey Got a minute?<br />D: hey babesIn a meeting<br />Talk here?<br />Howz u <br />Me: good<br />No hurry<br />Will talk later<br />D: kya hua?<br />Me: Doing a story on listening skills<br /><br />And so our gtalk chat on people’s poor listening skills continued, even as my friend continued to be physically present at a client meeting in another city, while I juggled with intermittent telephone calls at work. If there was any irony in the situation, obviously, my friend and I didn’t see it. <br /><br />How many times have you – hand resolutely on your chin - faked attention at a meeting? Or found yourself in La-La Land in the midst of an important conversation? Every time you say ‘hmm’ or ‘I see’ in response to someone’s statement, are you being polite or just trying to cover up for your inattention? <br /><br />“If I were to actually listen to everything everybody says, I would get little else done…people talk too much,” says Yash Kapadia, an entrepreneur and ‘selective listener’. Most conversations, he says, happen on autopilot. “When you ask someone ‘how are you?’ you don’t really want them to get into a monologue about life’s woes. Nobody has the time, energy or inclination to listen to such stuff,” he maintains.<br /><br />Getting people to listen is a challenge. Perhaps, it has always been. Given that the average human brain can process up to 450 words per minute, while a person cannot utter more than 175 words in the same duration, mind wandering is explicable. <br /><br />Our listening is in tune with today’s modern fast-paced lifestyle, believes Rita Doctor, student counsellor and retired college professor. “The listener is here, but not completely here…in that sense, most conversations are rather superficial,” she says. <br /><br />There’s a glimpse of nostalgia when the older generation reminisces about the good ol’ days when people used to write ‘real’ letters; when people telephoned loved ones to enquire after their wellbeing and not just to kill time during the daily commute; when chats were face-to-face and candid, not inane and born out of boredom.<br /><br />Change, they say, is the only constant. While newer, modes of communication have made conversations easier, have they made them any better? Does the fault lie in the ever-evolving, sleek smartphone? Can we, the tech-savvy users, plead not guilty? <br /><br />That which is not taught <br /><br />As children, we are taught to read, write and speak. But listen? How many of us have been taught that skill? We tend to assume that it’s part of the package deal – buy three, get one free.<br /><br />Most of us confuse listening with hearing. The Oxford dictionary defines listening as “an effort to hear something; be alert and ready to hear something”, while to hear is to “perceive with the ear the sound made by (someone or something)”.<br /><br />There’s more than a subtle difference. After writing her first biography last year, Priya Kumar, motivational speaker and author, confided that “Women writers know to read between the lines, a good thing for a biography. The difficult part is listening – hours of interviewing the subject!”<br /><br />Evidently, listening is not as passive an activity as tuning into the radio or keeping up with the latest reality show on television. In his book Are You Listening? Ralph G Nichols writes, “If we define the good listener as one giving full attention to the speaker, first-grade children are the best listeners of all.”<br /><br />Have you ever observed a toddler listen to his mother? It is not just the words he is paying attention to, he is also looking for cues about the mother’s feelings and attitude towards what is being said. Is the ‘no’ followed by a smile? Or is it a frown? Perhaps, it’s mock anger? <br /><br />“The French call it écouter, the automatic hearing, and entendre, absorbing what is being said. As a teacher, I was all ears in the classroom, but not outside. However, as a counsellor, I have become a far better listener,” says Rita, on the art of listening. <br /><br />‘Why we don’t listen’ has been the subject matter of many studies over the years. According to one such study, immediately after listening to a 10-minute oral presentation, the average listener has heard, understood and retained about 50 percent of what was said. Within 48 hours, that number comes down to 25 percent. In other words, half of what is said doesn’t make it to the listener’s brain, and of that which does make it, only half stays with the listener beyond two days or so. Perhaps, that explains all that frenzy for last-minute coaching during exam time! <br /><br />Tell you why<br /><br />Ernest Hemingway, the late American author and journalist, liked to listen. “I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen,” he said. True that. In an interesting study, it was found that physicians interrupt 69 percent of the patients within 18 seconds of him/her beginning to speak. As a result, in most cases, the patient’s true reason for visiting the doctor was never elicited.<br /><br />Reshma Sinha, a marketing consultant, understands the pain of not being listened to; she experiences it everyday. “You go in for a client meeting and all you hear is what the client wants. And he wants everything by yesterday! Even when you are answering his query, he has to butt in, before you can even complete the first sentence,” she rues. <br /><br />In The 7 habits of highly effective people, Stephen Covey notes, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” That’s something most of us are guilty of, I guess. Our brains, over the years, are trained to function that way. The unlearning takes concerted effort and practice. <br />“You need to curb the reflex to get on the defensive or offensive mode,” says Mayank Deshpande, a legal consultant. “After five years of marriage, if there’s one skill that I really want to master, it’s listening. There’s no substitute for it in a (relatively) happy marriage,” he adds, in all seriousness. <br /><br />According to one study, people listen through four primary styles - people oriented, time oriented, action oriented and content oriented. While women are more likely to be people-oriented, men tend to be more action, content or time oriented. <br /><br />“All those fancy terms notwithstanding, what matters is that most people just don’t listen. And the sad truth is that we don’t even realise it. We are so caught up with our lives, goals, talks,” notes Mayank. It’s only when we get older, and perhaps, have more time on hand, will we have the opportunity to look back on our lives and try to listen to all those missing pieces of the melody. Will it be too late by then? Only time will tell…<br /><br />In the meanwhile, for those who are inclined to start ‘listening’, here’s a small suggestion: Try using more of the right ear; it’s said to be more efficient for listening to speech, while the left is better at listening to music.</p>
<p>The ear is forever glued to the smartphone, fingers dancing on the laptop. We can talk to our hearts’ content, express opinions, update statuses. But is anybody really listening, wonders Jisha Krishnan<br /><br /></p>.<p>Me: hey Got a minute?<br />D: hey babesIn a meeting<br />Talk here?<br />Howz u <br />Me: good<br />No hurry<br />Will talk later<br />D: kya hua?<br />Me: Doing a story on listening skills<br /><br />And so our gtalk chat on people’s poor listening skills continued, even as my friend continued to be physically present at a client meeting in another city, while I juggled with intermittent telephone calls at work. If there was any irony in the situation, obviously, my friend and I didn’t see it. <br /><br />How many times have you – hand resolutely on your chin - faked attention at a meeting? Or found yourself in La-La Land in the midst of an important conversation? Every time you say ‘hmm’ or ‘I see’ in response to someone’s statement, are you being polite or just trying to cover up for your inattention? <br /><br />“If I were to actually listen to everything everybody says, I would get little else done…people talk too much,” says Yash Kapadia, an entrepreneur and ‘selective listener’. Most conversations, he says, happen on autopilot. “When you ask someone ‘how are you?’ you don’t really want them to get into a monologue about life’s woes. Nobody has the time, energy or inclination to listen to such stuff,” he maintains.<br /><br />Getting people to listen is a challenge. Perhaps, it has always been. Given that the average human brain can process up to 450 words per minute, while a person cannot utter more than 175 words in the same duration, mind wandering is explicable. <br /><br />Our listening is in tune with today’s modern fast-paced lifestyle, believes Rita Doctor, student counsellor and retired college professor. “The listener is here, but not completely here…in that sense, most conversations are rather superficial,” she says. <br /><br />There’s a glimpse of nostalgia when the older generation reminisces about the good ol’ days when people used to write ‘real’ letters; when people telephoned loved ones to enquire after their wellbeing and not just to kill time during the daily commute; when chats were face-to-face and candid, not inane and born out of boredom.<br /><br />Change, they say, is the only constant. While newer, modes of communication have made conversations easier, have they made them any better? Does the fault lie in the ever-evolving, sleek smartphone? Can we, the tech-savvy users, plead not guilty? <br /><br />That which is not taught <br /><br />As children, we are taught to read, write and speak. But listen? How many of us have been taught that skill? We tend to assume that it’s part of the package deal – buy three, get one free.<br /><br />Most of us confuse listening with hearing. The Oxford dictionary defines listening as “an effort to hear something; be alert and ready to hear something”, while to hear is to “perceive with the ear the sound made by (someone or something)”.<br /><br />There’s more than a subtle difference. After writing her first biography last year, Priya Kumar, motivational speaker and author, confided that “Women writers know to read between the lines, a good thing for a biography. The difficult part is listening – hours of interviewing the subject!”<br /><br />Evidently, listening is not as passive an activity as tuning into the radio or keeping up with the latest reality show on television. In his book Are You Listening? Ralph G Nichols writes, “If we define the good listener as one giving full attention to the speaker, first-grade children are the best listeners of all.”<br /><br />Have you ever observed a toddler listen to his mother? It is not just the words he is paying attention to, he is also looking for cues about the mother’s feelings and attitude towards what is being said. Is the ‘no’ followed by a smile? Or is it a frown? Perhaps, it’s mock anger? <br /><br />“The French call it écouter, the automatic hearing, and entendre, absorbing what is being said. As a teacher, I was all ears in the classroom, but not outside. However, as a counsellor, I have become a far better listener,” says Rita, on the art of listening. <br /><br />‘Why we don’t listen’ has been the subject matter of many studies over the years. According to one such study, immediately after listening to a 10-minute oral presentation, the average listener has heard, understood and retained about 50 percent of what was said. Within 48 hours, that number comes down to 25 percent. In other words, half of what is said doesn’t make it to the listener’s brain, and of that which does make it, only half stays with the listener beyond two days or so. Perhaps, that explains all that frenzy for last-minute coaching during exam time! <br /><br />Tell you why<br /><br />Ernest Hemingway, the late American author and journalist, liked to listen. “I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen,” he said. True that. In an interesting study, it was found that physicians interrupt 69 percent of the patients within 18 seconds of him/her beginning to speak. As a result, in most cases, the patient’s true reason for visiting the doctor was never elicited.<br /><br />Reshma Sinha, a marketing consultant, understands the pain of not being listened to; she experiences it everyday. “You go in for a client meeting and all you hear is what the client wants. And he wants everything by yesterday! Even when you are answering his query, he has to butt in, before you can even complete the first sentence,” she rues. <br /><br />In The 7 habits of highly effective people, Stephen Covey notes, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” That’s something most of us are guilty of, I guess. Our brains, over the years, are trained to function that way. The unlearning takes concerted effort and practice. <br />“You need to curb the reflex to get on the defensive or offensive mode,” says Mayank Deshpande, a legal consultant. “After five years of marriage, if there’s one skill that I really want to master, it’s listening. There’s no substitute for it in a (relatively) happy marriage,” he adds, in all seriousness. <br /><br />According to one study, people listen through four primary styles - people oriented, time oriented, action oriented and content oriented. While women are more likely to be people-oriented, men tend to be more action, content or time oriented. <br /><br />“All those fancy terms notwithstanding, what matters is that most people just don’t listen. And the sad truth is that we don’t even realise it. We are so caught up with our lives, goals, talks,” notes Mayank. It’s only when we get older, and perhaps, have more time on hand, will we have the opportunity to look back on our lives and try to listen to all those missing pieces of the melody. Will it be too late by then? Only time will tell…<br /><br />In the meanwhile, for those who are inclined to start ‘listening’, here’s a small suggestion: Try using more of the right ear; it’s said to be more efficient for listening to speech, while the left is better at listening to music.</p>
