CLING NO MORE In a world full of challenges, letting go of unwanted and painful things is like having one less problem to deal with. Swatee Jog explains how you can do that and why it’s important you do.
A beautiful quote by Ramesh Ramanathan in Subroto Bagchi’s book Zen Garden said “Letting go is not abandonment. It assumes that what has emerged does not have your fingerprints on it.” Too many times, we, women, have experienced that we cling to things, thoughts, people, events and instances - good or bad. Like a cow regurgitating her swallowed food, we keep bringing forth the thought and chew at it long after the incident has occurred. Human beings are naturally attached to their experiences, but the inability to let go creates problems when we are unable to handle the emotional baggage that they bring along.
Just like a computer, which has to be formatted periodically to clear some unwanted files and make space for new stuff, our mind needs to be cleared of unwanted thoughts, too. Dwelling in the past, experiencing the trauma that the original event brought about only adds to the sorrow, all over again, many times over.
Let’s begin by looking at our workplace. While working in an office, we interact with a host of people, not all of whom we can get along with. There will be some people who will hurt us, some will be jealous of us, some will snub us, while some others will just ignore our existence. If we cling to every situation where the particular person did a particular thing that hurt us, we will never be able to move away from the negativity that the event had originally created. In a multiplier effect, the negativity will root itself, breed and create more in return. The same holds true for all relationships, whether at home or at work.
Most women may have met that odd relative who will keep bad-mouthing someone, recalling all the bad things he allegedly did or said. This person does not want to remember anything good, although there may have been those rare cases. It is very important to compartmentalise our minds. The root cause of the inability to let go, perhaps, lies in our
insecurity of feeling empty within. One cannot imagine a single moment when the mind has nothing old to dwell on, a feeling of emptiness. So, in order to keep it full, we tend to fill it with all those things that have stayed put in our minds. Those insults, those acts of lost credit, those moments of being let down, those people who have traumatised us or those feelings we just don’t want to part with.
Not letting go and clinging adds undue stress on relationships as well as disturbs our work-life balance. Memories cannot be erased, especially if they are not pleasant, but they can definitely be sidelined. We must decide how much importance past memories deserve. When we let go, it releases the blocked energy of our mind, which then becomes more receptive to live in the present, to absorb fresh experiences and take pleasure in new ones.
Why can’t we let go?
Inability to let go of emotions, relations, expectations, or feelings of guilt, anger, jealousy or betrayal, all arise out of fear of feeling empty. Memories like these must come with an expiry date.
The pent-up feeling needs to be released in time to let go and make space for fresh and positive experiences and feelings. We cannot let go with the fear that we may be left with nothing new to ponder upon. We do not let go with the feeling that these thoughts help shape our future actions and thinking. It doesn’t. These thoughts are not the pivot of our existence or our identity. All it does is seep deep within and bore out the core of our existence.
How can it be done?
n Understand and accept first that whatever happens in life, need not be remembered forever and it is okay to forget, forgive and move on. Once this is accepted, letting go seems possible. Our mind has the habit of cheating us all the time with thoughts it wants to believe, not what the fact is.
n Not all expectations from life can be met as we desire. Cherish those that have and let go of the others, thinking that you at least tried. This holds true for expectations from others as well, including the spouse, kids, parents, even colleagues. Not all things will happen as per our plans; life never really stops surprising any of us.
n Let go of feelings of anger, jealousy, hatred, bitterness, guilt or even revenge. Replace them with good thoughts.
Rethink that incident or about that
person by imagining yourself in their place. Forgive them before you decide to delete their thoughts. Learning to be objective helps. Learn to separate the person from his behaviour. Nobody sets out in the morning deciding to be nasty or hurtful. Many times, perceptions shape our judgments, or circumstances force us to do so.
n Understand that most people are flawed, including you. Trying to achieve perfection only adds to the stress and one loses focus on enjoying that moment. Being flawed is fine, being real is important. Ignoring flaws or denying them altogether or not working on them could be a problem, not otherwise.
n Keep the mind occupied with positive things, surround yourself with positive people and do what you love. Not expecting the outcomes always helps to experience the moment. Being non-judgmental helps in achieving this. Pray, meditate or play some sport. There are more positive things in life than we imagine them to be.
n Introspect. Learn to accept responsibility for what may have gone wrong or triggered an unpleasant experience. Shrugging away thoughts about our own misdoings is like not acknowledging the elephant in the room. Once we understand and accept that it could be our own action or words that caused the hurtful experience, there’s no need to harp on it. Forgiving yourself is the key to avoiding many problems that may arise out of a sense of guilt and self-flagellation.
In a world full of challenges, letting go of unwanted and painful things is like
having one less problem to deal with. Opening up the mind, letting in new ideas, new experiences and making way for positivity requires space to be cleared in the mind. Clinging to objects and the past memories only saps useful energy.
So it is high time, ladies, that you start letting go.