JOIN USLook for comfort in a peer group
The authority of elders often distances them from their children, despite the love. Ali Khwaja reasons why in such times kids seek comfort from friends
Quite often, parents and teachers wonder why adolescents give so undue importance to the opinions, comments and suggestions of their peers, and adamantly ignore sage advice given by elders.
The root of the problem starts in early childhood, much before they come to teenage. A small child loves to share anything and everything with parents. The smallest incident creates an excitement which is not complete unless spoken about to Mummy or Daddy. At the same time, the child looks up to the opinion and instructions from them as being the ultimate. The child believes that parents know everything, and can be relied upon in any situation to help them out, clarify doubts or give information.
Unfortunately, the enthusiasm of the child is not matched by the parents. They tend to take the little one too easy, because statements such as “You know Ma, today Krish used a baa-aaad word, he called Rohit stupid,” are not important for a parent to even respond or give any significance to. When children cannot get answers or responses (or even the importance he wants to feel) from parents, they slowly start drifting into a world of their own. They create imaginary friends, they talk to cartoon characters, they may take advice from God, and their interactions with parents keep reducing over the years till they reach adolescence.
Finding themselves
Adolescence is the phase when a person tries to find his or her identity or individuality. Hence, there is an element of self-consciousness coupled with a desire to make a good impression and to gain appreciation or recognition. The same way as a boy goes out of the way to look good and be admired by girls, he also wants to be looked up to by others around him for his various existing or non-existent qualities. But unfortunately, there are very few adults who are willing to acknowledge him. Parents take him for granted, treat him like a small child, are over-critical about his minor shortcomings, teachers focus only on his academic prowess or the lack of it and society treats him as an irritant that has to be tolerated.
In this situation, the adolescent turns to his peers — boys and girls of his age. He finds them very receptive, concerned, willing to give him time and attention, and also very resourceful in helping him tackle any issues he may face from time to time. That is the time when parents wake up and try to reach out to their child — but often, it is too late.
Judgments also plays a role in youngsters preferring to choose to share only with their peers. Their friends are open to anything good or bad they have to report, but elders are often quick at criticising or reprimanding them, putting them down or questioning their actions. But unlike what many parents or teachers may believe, peers often do take into account what is good or bad for their friends. It is just that they do not shoot off with their judgment or questioning like adults do, but help their friends understand through introspection and even by being role models.
Elders would do well if they identify the good ones among their child’s friends, encourage them to interact, keep them on the right side, and even use them to influence and set right the child who may have a tendency to stray. Avoid general criticism of friends, ignore small negative traits. A lanky teenager with unkempt hair, torn jeans and poor hygiene may actually have high values and ethics, but it takes an effort to see beyond his looks and identify that s/he can actually be a good influence on his peers.
Looking for a friend
Most children who get into bad habits do so out of a sense of loneliness, low self-esteem, and not having any goals to work towards. As mentioned above, if they are already disconnected from their elders, they have no one else to turn to except their peers. And peers are always available at the street corner or at the push of a phone’s button. If elders can be more accepting, less judgemental and actually look for some of the good qualities and traits of each friend, they can encourage their child to learn from him or her.
Teachers and parents fail to impress upon students how and in what way studies is going to help them in future — but a friend who is passionate about studies can inspire and motivate a child quite deeply. Another classmate may be brilliant in academics and can explain certain difficult topics much better than the teacher.
Someone who thinks outside the box and has an exploratory mind can teach creativity to their child. And in turn, their child can be taught to learn responsibility by taking under his wings a classmate who is bad in studies or disinterested in learning. But for all this to happen, it is imperative that elders drop the notion that peer pressure is only negative and will harm their child. They need to become proactive in helping the child build better and healthier relationships with both boys and girls of his age.
There have been many occasions when a suicide has been prevented by the timely reaching out of friends, when an adolescent has been pulled out of getting into addictions or wrong company by his/her peers, and when children have learnt many life skills just by being in the company of others. Today’s growing child needs and craves for more attention and love. Despite elders loving them, that they do not feel that loved, is quite often because of the reprimands and discipline constantly thrust on them. The peers fill this gap very well and keep the growing child on the right track of feeling warm, loved, motivated and in finding directions whenever s/he is at crossroads.