JOIN USTime and again, with their children’s best interests at heart, parents goad them to complete the Geography project, to be punctual for school and stay abreast of their assignments. And, most parents hope, that with time, their children will grow more responsible, and perform these tasks without reminders. Yet, in many households, life doesn’t quite pan out like this. While the children grow up, their maturity is not defined by a concomitant increase in responsibility.
On the contrary, the only attribute that seems to balloon with their growing years is defiance. Parental reminders are met with cold indifference, yelling or banging doors. After a period of cooling off, the parent may again mention that the test is round the corner or that clothes are spilling out of the closet. A vicious cycle of parental nagging and teenage outbursts raises the emotional temperature of the family to uncomfortably high levels.
Strangely, one aspect of parenting is indeed counterintuitive, which is why so many parents get it wrong. The more we control our children, the less control we have over them. The more we cajole or command them to perform a task, the more likely they are to ignore or downright defy our requests.
Motivating at home
Perhaps, an understanding of the drivers of human motivation can help parents steer their children on the right path. In his seminal book, Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation, psychologist Edward Deci, writes that applying “stricter discipline” typically ends up in “exacerbating rather than ameliorating the problem,” as many hapless parents begin to realise. So, what do we do when our children are not showing responsibility commensurate with their age?
According to Edward, 3 aspects are involved in fostering an intrinsically motivating milieu. The first involves autonomy. As human beings, we have a deep-seated need to “feel a sense of personal autonomy or self-determination,” writes Edward.
We want to be in the driver’s seat of our lives. And so do our children. Of course, the amount of autonomy we grant children is limited by their developmental levels. We cannot let a 4-year old use a sharp knife or permit a 15-year old to drive a car. But very often, even when a child is capable of doing his homework on his own or scheduling her own tuition classes, we cannot resist butting in.
Thus, the mother of Rohan, a 12-year old, may hover around the room while he does his homework, saying, “If I am not around, he will start watching TV.”
Likewise, Neha’s father calls the tutor to check if his 14-year-old daughter has shown her the exam paper. In these examples, the parents are unwilling to let their children make mistakes, and live with the consequences. What would happen if Rohan and Neha are not monitored by their parents? Rohan may end up going to school with unfinished homework while Neha might not review her mistakes on the exam paper. The teacher may penalise Rohan, and Neha may commit the same errors in the next exam.
Neither are life-threatening or dangerous situations, even though parental angst may treat them like they are. Of course, we can’t expect the child to grow up overnight, but if Rohan and Neha are left to their own devices, they will probably figure out a way of completing the assignments and passing exams. The problem is that many parents do not give children the space to fail.
In addition to giving children autonomy, Edward urges parents to help them develop a sense of agency. This arises from a belief that one is capable of doing a certain task. And, as children grow and gain different competencies, their sense of agency should increase with age. However, if the parent is always around, the child may not build the requisite skills. In certain situations, children may need external support to acquire competence in a particular domain. And, parents should definitely step in to ensure that the child is receiving the inputs.
Thus, if Neha is failing at Maths repeatedly, her parents may engage a tutor to work with her. Likewise, children with learning or behavioural issues would require the services of a special educator or counsellor. Once children are receiving the requisite support, parents may step back.
Another essential element/aspect for psychological growth is affiliation. Children need to feel bonded and connected emotionally to their parents. And, one of the best ways to create that closeness with our children is to spend some time everyday with the child doing what he or she likes. “Quality time” should be viewed from the perspective of the child and not the parent. Instead of doing what we think a child should be doing, we need to do what he or she wants to do, at least for a minimum of 15 minutes a day.
Support in school too
Just as parents promote autonomy, agency and affiliation, teachers too can help their students reach their potential by providing the same psychological nutrients. By giving students choices, involving them in formulating class rules and asking students for their opinions on various matters like the amount of homework they deem appropriate, teachers can encourage students to be autonomous learners. Furthermore, teachers may avoid using controlling language and adopt a more egalitarian tone wherein they explain the reason behind a rule. Thus, instead of saying, “No talking because I said so,” the teacher may say, “The reason I would like you to be quiet is that we can all focus better.”
In order to help children develop a sense of agency, teachers should give children the message that abilities and talents are not fixed in stone but can be cultivated with persistence, patience and practice. We must also discourage students from comparing themselves with each other. Instead, children may work towards bettering their own previous performance.
Teachers may highlight the improvement a child has made instead to focusing on a child’s marks alone. And when you find that a student is struggling, it helps to acknowledge their feelings. If the child feels understood, he or she is more likely to try harder. Schools may also provide additional learning support to children who are finding to difficult to cope in mainstream classrooms either through remedial classes or a resource room.
Teachers can build affiliation by getting to know students personally, talking to them respectfully and reassuring them that mistakes are a part of the learning process. Further, letting students know that they can talk to you, either individually or in a group, when they have a problem, can go a long way in making them feel secure. Thus, instead of asking, “How can I motivate this child?” as parents and teachers would want to do, Edward urges us to focus on creating a conducive climate where children will be self-motivated.
(The author is director, PRAYATNA, Bengaluru)