Wait till you've been auntied!

There's always a first to everything. Some are good, others not so much. In this instance, it's absolute fun when it happens to others, but when you're the victim, God be merciful!

The first time you get 'auntied' or 'uncled', you just go "off your lemon" as Bertram Wooster would have said. "Do those young rascals feel they're still wet behind their ears while I'm past my prime?" you silently fume.

As there's no handbook to address people who aren't related to you, the monikers of 'auntie' and 'uncle' jump right in to fill the gap. It's a very Indian urge to show respect to people who are older than you and do so with a personal touch. 'Auntie' and 'Uncle' check both these boxes.

Time was when marriage held the key to those dreaded but assured gates of 'auntiedom'. As soon as one got married, draped a saree and put on sindoor, it guaranteed one's graduation from 'didi' to 'auntie. With changing times, saree gave way to other outfits. One couldn't determine the marital status of a lady by her appearance anymore. This added confusion to the already simmering brew of uncertainty.

Well, this trauma can befall anyone after a certain age. Your neighbourhood kid, perceiving a big enough age gap, decides to call you 'auntie' or 'uncle', when you've only started college. "I'm not even married!" But is that or should that be a criteria? What if you don't get married at all? It hurts the first time when tiny tots call you auntie. But after you have kids, it becomes your second skin. When you have accepted this reality, comes the second deadlier blow. Suddenly, 20-somethings start calling you auntie!

So what should the criteria be? Age? Looks? Marital status? After giving the subject a lot of thought, I've devised my own thumb rule. If a person looks my parents' age, I use auntie or uncle. Otherwise, I stick to didi/bhaiyya or go by their preference.

Youngsters, be kind when addressing people just a few years older than you. Trust me, you will be blessed enough to achieve your next startup or dream vacation. Those who have auntied me irresponsibly over the years have either forgotten the laws of karma or the power of lists. But karma does work (and so do lists). Now that I have my own little weapon to unleash, I have decided to go a-visiting everyone from that list.

I'll be there to record your memorable moment when my seven-year old innocently asks 'Auntie, can I please have a cookie?" Your look will change from utter confusion to pure disgust to mortal horror, faster than a chameleon changes colour. You'll whimper, "What! Me? An auntie?! You can have all the cookies in the world but only if you don't call me auntie!" At that point, you might catch me smiling a smug smile, like the cat who has just licked the creamiest of milk.

Yeah, the revenge sounds utterly satisfying. Now, did you just hear a knock at your door?