The local police inspector calls me saying he has identified some stolen property. He said, “a man here says he stole your clock five years ago.” I was impressed by the efficiency of the police. Five years after a crime that I hadn’t even reported, they had nabbed the culprit. So I took off to the local police station. And found a queue snaking to the end of the road and twice round the block.

The crime rate is certainly going up in this city, I thought, “are all these people here to file complaints?”

As it happened I was wrong. The man in front of me had three laptops in his hands. The one behind had two computers under his arms. One had a bag with gold chains spilling out.

“What’s going on?” I asked the laptop man “are you here to file a complaint?”

“I hope the owner has filed a complaint.These are stolen goods”

“Where did you find the stolen goods?”

“I stole it,” he said proudly. “Laptops, computers wallets and gold chains, I am so good.. Not for nothing am I called Nifty Naeem.”

I took an alarmed back step. “You mean you are a thief? What are you doing here?”

“It’s very simple,” he said patiently, “I am going ‘legit’ from now”

“Does that mean you are joining politics?”

“No, no. I just want to be punished for what I have done.”

“Are all these people too reformed thieves who want to be punished?”

“Of course. See they are bringing in evidence. And the ones without anything are the murderers and the supari killers. That chap there in the red shirt ....he is ‘Machhar Murgi’. He has killed 23 people so far. And that one with the moustache ..he is an accredited supari killer.”

What am I doing in this line with thieves and murderers? Let me get out fast, but one last question. “Why on earth would you want to be caught? I thought crime was all about getting away with it.”

“Where are you living madam?” he asked. After Sanju baba and Salman Khan, jails are most the happening places to be seen in. In fact, I hope they take me in for the New Year.”

Inside, the police inspector looked harassed. He held up my clock.“Please, please, say this is not yours and I can send this chap home.”

“Why, it is mine. I lost it five years ago.”

“Oh no. I guess I will have to jail this fellow too. Maybe I will send him to the Taj.The Leela is full.”

“Taj? Leela? What are you talking about?”

“We have booked suites in the hotels for criminals but they don’t want to go,” he said tearing his hair out.What am I to do?”

“What’s wrong with rigorous imprisonment in the city jails”?

“All the cells have been booked by the ministers and the dormitories are full of bureaucrats.”

“Are you telling me the ministers and  bureaucrats have seen the errors of their ways and are giving themselves up? What a wonderful thing to happen to our country!”

“No rigorous ‘shigorous’ nonsense,” he said. “They all keep coming back for the Iskcon food.”

Just then he got a call from the Home Ministry. It was a senior official wanting a booking for the weekend.