Representative image
Credit: Special Arrangement
Every year, thousands of young professionals step into the workforce with ambition in their hearts — but many carry something heavier on their backs: the weight of being the “good child.” In a country where family duty is often placed above individual choice, even the most promising opportunities can become tangled in guilt, shame, and a fear of disappointing parents. Let us explore these hidden emotional battles today in this article — because career growth is one thing, but growing into yourself is another.
Sanjay had just received an exciting job offer in a field he was genuinely passionate about. He knew the assignment had excellent prospects and could significantly boost his career. But there was one challenge — it was in a different city. Instead of feeling thrilled, he found himself overwhelmed with guilt and shame at the thought of moving out of his parental home. His parents expected him to stay with them.
To be a “good son,” he believed, he needed to remain physically present. The mere idea of living elsewhere made him feel as though he was betraying them. When he tentatively asked for “permission” to accept the offer, they said no. They needed him around, they told him. He had to build his life from their home.
This scenario, and many similar ones, often show up in the therapy room. Young men, especially, feel burdened by guilt and shame for pursuing personal or professional goals that require them to individuate from their parents. Whether it is choosing a job, a place of stay, or even a partner, any step toward autonomy feels like a violation of what being a “good son” is supposed to mean.
But are these feelings of guilt and shame justified — or misplaced? And if they’re not appropriate, what emotion might be?
To understand this, it helps to look closely at what guilt and shame really are.
Guilt arises when you believe you’ve done something wrong or failed to live up to something you “should” have done. The word “should” is key—it is shaped by external, socially dictated norms and often differs from what you genuinely want.
Shame, on the other hand, is the emotion you feel when you judge yourself harshly. It tells you that you are the problem — that you are not “good enough” as a person because of what you did or didn’t do.
Neither emotion is necessary nor accurate in the situation Sanjay faces. Accepting a job that offers better career prospects does not make him a bad son or a lesser human being. In fact, professional success is often something parents genuinely want for their children. And caring for parents does not always require physical proximity. Emotional closeness can be maintained across distances, and caregiving can take multiple forms — including coordinating or arranging support rather than providing it personally.
Seeking parental approval does not have to come at the cost of your personal and professional well-being. You can only care for others without resentment, anger, or suffocation when your own needs are met. And the definition of “good enough” need not be prescribed by society. It is something you have the right to define for yourself.
In situations like this, a more appropriate emotion is regret—a feeling of sadness or disappointment that you cannot be in two places at once, or that you cannot simultaneously attend to your parents’ physical needs and pursue opportunities elsewhere. Regret allows space to accept reality without condemning yourself.
As Bill Crawford puts it: “Regret acknowledges that I made a mistake. Shame says that I am a mistake, and guilt is what others use to try to make me feel ashamed.”
Regret helps us access the confident, creative part of our brain. It acknowledges that we may have erred, but it does not label us as failures, as guilt and shame often do.
So how do you move guilt and shame aside to make room for regret? There isn’t a universal checklist. This is work best done in therapy with a trusted therapist — someone who can help you experience the difference for yourself and feel the lightness that comes when the burden finally begins to lift.
(The author is a counsellor and wellness coach)