Relationship counsellors in Bengaluru are reporting a spike in premarital counselling sessions. An increasing number of betrothed couples, those in live-in or long-term relationships, singles considering marriage and individuals planning a second marriage are seeking their help, they say.
Psychiatrist Dr Safiya M S has seen a spike of 30-40% in couples and individuals seeking premarital counselling over the last five years. This, she adds, is not just due to greater awareness of therapy, but also a shift in how relationships and marriage decisions are made. “Decision-making has moved from parents to individuals, not only with regards to the partner but also when it comes to expenses and style of wedding,” she says.
Muniswamy K S, consultant clinical psychologist at a private hospital, agrees that premarital counselling enquiries and sessions have seen a significant spike. Over the last three years, in his experience, close to 70% of premarital counselling clients are individuals considering a second marriage.
Psychotherapist Kala Balasubramanian agrees. “This is a growing segment, as people want to avoid repeating painful patterns,” she says. In such cases, she says the focus often shifts to unresolved baggage from past marriages. “Second marriages can bring additional layers, especially when children are involved. This is when co-parenting is discussed, since the former partners may need to stay connected,” she says.
From 20s to 40s
Experts say premarital counselling is often sought by clients in the 26-35 age group, though some in their 40s also sign up for sessions.
Dr Safiya says she sees more couples who are dating, than those who are formally engaged. Many now come in before engagement “to decide whether to take the next step”. Engaged couples, she adds, often arrive after a conflict has escalated. “Family and wedding-related third-party interference is a recurring trigger, including disagreements over finances, wedding expenses, style of wedding, and how the wedding should be conducted,” she adds.
Jaya Aiyappa, psychotherapist and sexuality educator, says couples come in at multiple stages, and “sometimes only one partner is willing”.
Important topics
Most experts reveal that family planning, finance, career changes, and living arrangements are some common topics of discussion. Dr Safiya notes that friction caused by differences in religion and religious practices are also common among her clients. Management of household chores is another important issue, she adds.
Jaya says concerns about sex
commonly come up in her sessions. “Many couples want support in navigating intimacy and understanding their sexual needs,” she adds.
How involved the extended family will be, and decisions around children are talked about, adds Kala. Many also need help discussing boundaries in relationships. “Questions like whether flirting is acceptable are now being discussed, often with professional support because these are tricky conversations,” she adds.
Recognising red flags
Premarital counselling can help spot patterns that could turn out to be major problems later on, especially poor communication and lack of clarity, says Dr Safiya. “Deeper conversation over finances and who will manage money is crucial,” she says.
She adds that in some cases, counselling has helped couples call off the wedding. In one instance, she says, the conflict was over money. The man wanted his partner’s money to be moved into a joint account, but “she wanted financial independence”. Other deal-breakers are religion and living with in-laws.
Jaya says counselling helps couples recognise differences between them. She recalls a case where a couple realised they disagreed on having children. “He realised that he might hold it against her all his life, and they decided not to go ahead with the wedding,” she says.