How to raise a gentleman...

Prince Perfect

Pampering your boy and telling him not to cry is hardly good parenting. Suja Natarajan shares some guidelines to help you raise a respectable man, because only then can the world be a better place

Over the last few months, we have seen how social dynamics is dependent in a way on how we raise our children. Girls like pink, girls play with dolls, girls dress pretty — all stereotypes waiting to be addressed. But in the midst of that argument, we seem to be forgetting how to raise our boys. May be, now is the time to examine the other side of the coin.

As parents, it is natural to want our children to be successful. While academics, skill development, financial prowess and smartness always top the list, the importance attached to the development of essential traits of being a better person such as being courteous, chivalrous, polite, well-mannered, respectful, ethical or noble is almost non-existent.

In an era that has seen an increase in the number of crass, boorish, self-centred youth, the importance of raising a child is an incredible parental responsibility.

“Being a gentleman may be considered old-fashioned and belonging to old-world style, but let’s not forget that being gracious has class. Many people are so crude that they don’t care for class anymore,” says Dr Vasanta Patri, chairperson, psychologist and counsellor Indian Institute of Counselling, New Delhi.

In the 21st century, being a gentleman doesn’t mean wearing a shining armour or a person with growing influence and wealth, but a person who is thoughtful, polite and considerate to everyone around him. “Though being a gentleman is not stereotypical, it’s desirable because being a lady or gentleman is very respectful,” agrees Neerja Thergaonkar, child and adolescent psychologist at Aaroh, New Delhi.

“Even small things that make for a civilised and a more evolved person are missing today. There is a real dearth of people with ‘gentlemanliness’ around. In an extremely competitive world, everything seems to be a survival activity.
Whether getting into a bus, standing in a queue, the need to survive is coming in the way of being a gentleman. It is also that when the modern woman today is demanding equality, many men feel there is no need for special treatment towards women,” elaborates Dr Vasanta.

The media also has a profound impact on the psychological development of a child. “The representation of men and women in media should be fairer than what they are currently. They are always slanted against women. Depicting them as sexual objects, schemers, planners, nasty corporate climber and diabolical home-breakers is an awful representation,” she adds.

Role of parents

Although parents recognise the vital role they have in shaping well-rounded children, sometimes, their lackadaisical attitude and the core beliefs of living in a male-dominated society hinder the raising of sons with values that help them grow into better human beings.

“Most behaviour of children is learnt from parents. We need to behave in such a way that the child will automatically follow. Without much of an effort, it becomes the norm of behaviour,” says Dr Neerja.

“I noticed how my mom disciplined my brother and me when we were young. When I became a mom, I too wanted to instill the same values and consciously stopped cursing at home. I fined my children by taking away some of their privileges whenever I found them using foul words,” says Amrita Vishva, a 45-year-old homemaker.

“It is during the early years that parents can easily nurture the moral aspects of a child. If a mom thinks that it is fine for a boy to behave in a certain negative way, she is making such behaviour acceptable,” says Dr Neerja. Parents are the invaluable resources for a child to grow up as a better human being. Like it or not, your child adopts a ‘monkey-see, monkey-do’ attitude where you’re the monkey your child is watching and learning from.

“If you are planning to raise a better child, it works if you check your attitude. Inculcate values right from the beginning. The shaping of a well-rounded personality will automatically fall in place if you have a strong bond as a family, respect each other, are open with emotions and model proper language and behaviour. That way, the child knows that everyone is on the same platform,” maintains Dr Neerja.

Studies show that a mother’s attitude to gender roles influences her children’s perception of equality. Most households attach domestic work with women than men, which results in raising a girl who thinks that girls should take care of the house and boys growing up thinking that care-giving roles purely belong to women. “Treat both of them equally. Give them privileges equally as far as possible.

Delegate chores equally in the house — like cleaning, washing the car, picking up trash, cooking simple dishes or maintaining the garden,” says Dr Vasanta.

Raising a gentleman may sound like an intimidating task. But the time and effort that you expend on this venture is certainly worth it. Here are a few ways to help make it happen:

* Good listening: A gentleman knows how to pay full attention to what others are saying. He will politely agree to disagree, allowing others to express their point of view. It is essential to promote good communication skills that entails active listening without interrupting others. Active listening automatically brings in clarity, better connection and builds better relationships.

* Connect: Children with sound emotional intelligence develop the traits of compassion and empathy, which helps in developing productive relationships. Encourage your child to openly express his thoughts and feelings. Help him de-stress or calm down constructively through healthy ways by talking and clearing his mind. By this, a child learns to empathise, listen, connect and resolve conflicts better.

* Respect: With movies, games and music that glorify disrespect, it is little wonder that it has become the norm of the day, leaving parents to work harder on teaching the importance of respecting others. Respect starts at home. Children will take cues from the people around them. When they see parents preach it, expect it and model it, they naturally show respect to others.

* Social graces: Simple social etiquettes make a person affable. Show your child the importance of gestures, like making eye contact and greeting with a warm smile. Teach them to watch their tone. Polite behaviour with the use of “please,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” asking for permission and saying sorry, when the occasion calls for it — these are all qualities appreciated by everyone.

* Ethics: In a world where cheating, lying and being deceptive is considered cool among the youth, it is the responsibility of parents to enforce a system of values such as honesty, integrity and trustworthiness. When you encourage a positive behaviour with praise and enforce a negative consequence for the negative behaviour, the child, sooner or later, picks up the moral yardstick.

* Language: Practise what you preach. There are times when you may mess up. However, you can admit to your mistake and show how to own up to the blunder in the right way.

* Attitude: A person with a positive attitude makes life more manageable. Facing life’s ups and downs with the right spirit helps one develop the inner strength to cruise smoothly through life. A habit of positive thinking from early in life makes a child optimistic about what the future might bring. Teach your child to see the bright side of any situation, build positive thoughts, encourage him to extend help to others in need, choose the right path and respond instead of react in stressful situations.

Also,  do teach him the art of successful leadership by creating real-life opportunities at home such as organising a neighbourhood show, or say, a sports event for charity. As the saying goes: Being a man is a matter of age, but being a gentleman is a matter of choice.

(Some names have been changed on request)