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The Wags are back, or are they?

Another Premiership football season. We were quite looking forward to seeing the Wags — Coleen, Victoria, Whatserface — again. Our confident predictions included a national shortage of fake tan; several new reality TV programmes featuring fame-hungry wannabes; tonnes of hair extensions from eastern Europe; and a certain air of “eau de desperation” titillating our quivering nostrils. A heady mixture indeed…

However, time has wrought its changes on the original Wags. Wag number one, Victoria Beckham, has moved on to pastures new and is now firmly established in Los Angeles as an actual fashion designer.

She is rumoured to have had her breast implants taken out for a more ‘couture’ look. We always liked her chest — it reminded us of the lifejacket demonstration on board an aeroplane. We were convinced that Posh had concealed a little red tube somewhere about her person, ready to blow into and inflate her chest whenever the need arose.

There is a final piece of evidence to prove that Victoria is Waggish no more. According to internet rumours, Anna Wintour is putting her on the front cover of US Vogue in October. Can we still class Victoria as a Wag then when she shares the same accolade as Michelle Obama?

We’re not sure, but it doesn’t matter anyway because we still have Coleen. On to the question of what Baby Rooney will wear: if it’s a girl, we expect her to be in high heels before she can walk. If Coleen matches this with a Baby Dior silk dress, Baby Rooney will be sorted. The fun will be in watching the rest of the Wags scrabbling to keep up with the Rooneys by getting their very own baby accessory.

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