Mom's the word

Just yesterday, I had breakfast with a friend of mine who I had not met in the last couple of years. After the initial pleasantries, the conversation steered towards our kids.

I used to take pride in the way I have been bringing up Agastya assisted by the valuable contribution of my entire family. Luckily they are all on the same wavelength as me with respect to parenting, with the exception of the fairly early introduction of chocolates to my son’s diet, engineered by his ‘daadi’. I turned a blind eye to it because I knew that I needed to empower her with that sense of entitlement.

However when my friend started talking about how he and his wife had been bringing up his two boys, I must confess I felt that I had not been doing enough. My friend, despite being a very successful entrepreneur, lives in a very modest home and sends his sons to an ‘upper middle class school’ as he feels the value system of the school resonates with that of his home. This means he doesn’t have to worry about the next fancy holiday destination, indulge in extravagant birthday parties and so on.

My immediate reaction to this was, ‘Hey what are you going to do with all this money? Come on, don‘t be such a miser.’ I was being facetious ofcourse. I am guilty of indulging Agastya in a few ways, yet somewhere I know that I have created a balance between succumbing to a few of his demands while at the same time maintaining a sense of discipline.

However when I got back home, I started pondering over what are those important values that we must instil in our children. I must tell you that I am still a work-in-progress as a parent- I am also learning from others, making the same mistakes.

So when my son requested me to get him an iPad for his eighth birthday, I told him that he could either have that or a lavish birthday party. He chose the former and even though his grandparents insisted on having a big birthday party, my husband and I put our foot down. This was prompted by our need to teach Agastya that life was about making choices and that choices entail things that have to be forgone.

My family and I also have a system of rewarding Agastya with some money every time he does a good deed, helps the domestic help with their chores, or performs well in his class. He cherishes this amount and actually takes us shopping or buys small presents for people at home. We wish to instil the importance of earning, saving and spending money, the right way.

Also as parents, we ensure that our weekends are dedicated to our son. I don’t mean taking him to a fancy restaurants or malls.

What we love doing over weekends is engaging in some sport at Bombay Gymkhana or the United Services Club. I believe that instead of spending large sums of money on holidays and birthday parties, club membership that provides easy access to sports facilities is an investment worth making for the overall healthy development of one’s child. When my son insists on taking me to buy these special non-marking shoes that one needs while playing badminton or squash, I feel a sense of pride that he wants to include his parents in this.

Where studies are concerned, we try and emphasize more on whether he has understood the subject rather than the grades he obtains. We are also quite indulgent when it comes to books — reading is a habit that is important for the development and growth of any person.

There is one place though where I knowingly deceive my son. We definitely need to feed them healthy food but it is ok if we don’t drill into their heads that what they are eating is in fact healthy, as kids have this notion that ‘healthy is boring!’ I hide healthy ingredients in his favourite foods.

So spoil your kids with time, not money. Spoil them with books, not with gadgets. Spoil them with prayers, not with clothes. Spoil them with love, not with possessions.

I will leave you to ponder over these words of Bruno Bettelheim, ‘Raising children is a creative endeavour, an art rather than a science.’

Amrita Raichand
(Television personality and chef)