When in pain of letting go

Last Updated 24 May 2013, 12:55 IST

Let us recall the good times we spent together before we said our marriage wows. Remember the ice-cream parlour we visited, sitting in a corner, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears. We used to blush with love for each other.

We were at our best to ensure each other’s happiness. In time, as we lived under the same roof and with a babe to look after, we gradually began to look at each other very differently.

We made little or no effort to see eye-to-eye. We began to share only the parenting aspect of marriage.

We sought change in each other, which we never saw happen.  Now with our marriage rocking the boat of our life, we want to move on.Is it easy to let go of someone you loved?

No one ever said separation/divorce is easy. After a few years or more of sharing life together, letting go of our partners, without doubt, is the hardest part. But how can a relationship go on when you want to say a “yes”, and the other is thundering to say a “no”. This makes life very painful and troublesome. At this point, we have to accept that life has changed drastically.

We know that our spouses feel the same way. Together we have evolved from being a lover to a spouse to a parent. But now we are at cross-roads and feel that we are suffocating and throttling each other. We want our freedom from the so called institution of marriage. The thought of separation is not so easy and all of us walk with the scars of this relationship for a very long time.

Men and women who go through divorce have to face the wrath of the society which is directly or indirectly telling them that they have failed in their life’s mission of marriage. We live in a patriarchal society where men are regarded as the superior species.

So when a rift or separation happens, the woman is blamed. Close family and friends make her feel worthless.

This reflects heavily on her, drives her to the depths of despair where she might even consider methods of self-destruction. Of course all marriages do not work according to what the society dictates.

Women have woken up to the fact that they are no longer trophies to be displayed by their husbands.

They have grown to become leaders themselves, even leading their own businesses.
So, women seek equality in marriage as well. Most of the time, this leads to a power struggle, ending in a separation or divorce.

When we spilt or separate, the legal process makes us feel hopeless and helpless and we long for sympathy to nurse our wounded souls. We feel mentally liquidated, eliminated, and eradicated from the web of society.

We seem to be carrying around the tag of divorce. Most women hate this. Or we begin to atone for the guilt of our ‘failure’ to make marriage work.

Do we deliberately want to inflict this mental punishment upon ourselves, hoping finally to wake up feeling that we are redeemed because we have crucified ourselves? Whatever the reason, it is important to understand that we cannot rebuild self-love by destroying the undamaged areas of self-worth that still remain.

Easy said than done, we nevertheless need to move forward, keeping in mind each others interest and happiness:

n Accept the fact that we are made differently and cannot gel with each other.

n Stop blaming ourselves for whatever happened. Instead, remember the good days we had together and pave the way to part as friends.

n Take care not to blemish each others image, as in course of time, it will only further hurt  our already grieving souls.

n Forgive each other and go with a light heart, and be open to more friendship and love. We have discovered that we have nothing in common anymore and we want to live our lives the way we feel comfortable and happy.

n Promise our children that our love for them, even after separation, remains unconditional, because we will always be parents to our children. Children grow happier with one parent than to witness fights between both parents everyday.

n Understand that this separation or divorce will put a stop to our endless complaints and struggles.

n Become channels of support and counsel to others who are going through the pain of separation.

n Life has not ended with this one experience. It can be the start of a new and great life.

(Published 24 May 2013, 12:55 IST)

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