JOIN USWhat degree is your saint syndrome?
In caring for and nurturing their loved ones, women tend to lose themselves more often than not, reckons Mary Chelladurai.
What is she, this woman who dons the cap of a pleaser? The one who goes out of her way to keep everyone happy, even if it is at the cost of her self esteem and honour? Is she every woman? Is it a people-pleasing complex with all of woman kind? Is it a nature-driven fear? Or is it a saint syndrome?
A woman’s love stands the test of time and logic beyond reason, and come what may, proves to withstand every turmoil and trouble. All of us will accept that a woman’s love is self-giving, kind, compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous, and all encompassing. But is she really happy showering this kind of love?
To what degree?
How does a woman swallow all her pain, sorrow, and discomfort just to please the ones she loves? How good or bad is it to please? How much of pleasing is good or bad? There is a very interesting book by Dr Kevin Leman that categorises women based on the degree and nature of their pleasing syndromes. According to this, not all kinds of pleasers are bad. For it is only natural to want to keep your loved ones happy. But where do you draw the line? Many of us start off as positive pleasers. But with less stock-taking and awareness, most of us gradually slide down the pyramid, and eventually hit rock bottom.
The pleaser’s pyramid
What kind of pleaser are you? Perhaps Leman’s “pyramid of pleasers” can help you:
A balanced pleaser - she is self assertive who does not sacrifices her self-esteem, while caring for her loved ones.
A moderate pleaser - she gives without hurting herself too much, though she tries to evaluate her giving practices so that she has some self respect in place.
A weary pleaser - she is tired, low, and fatigued and yet she finds it very hard to say “No.” The urge to say, “Yes” is so important that her needs take a back seat.
A gloomy pleaser - she takes on the role of a total care-giver and atones for everyone’s wrong doing.
A suffering pleaser - she endures even a women-hater or a male chauvinist and suffers miserably. She has no sense of self-esteem.
Any woman’s story
Take any woman for example. She projects herself as a confident woman. “I am balancing everything perfectly, donning various roles - sister, mother, wife, daughter-in-law, etc... etc...” In each of these roles, she adopts various methods to please her family.
Her adolescent daughter has a naive but sharp tongue, and a head full of rebellion. As a mother, she does her best to advice, but the venom attack from her adolescent daughter leaves her perplexed. Yet, she swallows the pain and buys her daughter the gadget she had been screaming for...
Her husband is too busy. He staggers in late at night, gobbles up food, and hits the sack. While he may indulge in a little activity with her, under the sheets, he is not keen on making simple talks with her. Yet, she gives in to his carnal requirements and simply continues to care for him as usual...
All this, while she too has a tight schedule, juggling between officework and household chores. In all this, she is slowly but steadily sliding down the ladder of turning into a suffering pleaser.
On top of the pyramid
* Verbalize your emotional needs. Be cut and dry. Do not suppress your own feelings. Do not become your own enemy.
* Do not constantly think about how to please others. Instead, think about how to please yourself. Remember, only a happy person can spread waves of happiness around oneself and others.
* Make room for compromise, but never sacrifice! You weren’t put on this earth to please others all the time. Learn to love yourself and pamper yourself silly until you feel good.
* Learn to say “No” when it is necessary. Put your foot down on things that cause discomfort to you, before you can be turned into a football.
Ahoy, life!
Urban educated women can be armchair preachers, talking about liberation, freedom, and empowerment. But back home, they do their best to please their loved ones, always trying to make them happy. Of course, there is nothing wrong about it, except that there is a fine line dividing a positive pleaser and a moderate pleaser. Slip down one notch to being a moderate pleaser, and chances are you might slide down easily, right down to being a suffering pleaser! She needs to strive consciously to remain a positive pleaser, and navigate the balancing handle of life.
Remember... You can be assertive. That doesn’t make you harsh and caustic. You can be self-nurturing. That doesn’t make you selfish. You can be confident. That doesn’t make you conceited. Remember, you can please people and have people treat you with pleasing behaviour in return. You don’t have to be a saint all the time. Not being a saint all the time does not make you a sinner. Life is more complex than a mere dual compartment of saints and sinners!
Life is like a boat, with you as its navigator and others around you as your co-sailors. Only when you understand how much of weight to take on board will you be able to set it sail safely. Too much on board, and you are sure to turn your boat upside down, drowning yourself and all others with you...