Waist not, want not

Humour

‘High waist jeans are back!’ The small news item jumped out of the innocuous column and made me catch my breath. Had I read right? Yes, I had.

The forecast had been declared in fact by a fashion pundit of no uncertain repute: High waist was making a comeback, and was going to be the next sartorial statement to rule the ramps.  

What relief! What joy! What wonderful news! 

The nightmare was over at last.

The tyrannical reign of the ghastly low-waist hipster was a thing of the past.

The fashion makers had spoken.

The ramp would be revamped.

Proper clothing could raise its head once again, without having to duck behind the nearest pillar, or having to suck in its breath permanently.

Streets and malls would no longer be populated with people wearing those horrendous, low-waist (or no-waist) jeans that defy gravity, hanging precariously on slouching hips and looking forever in imminent danger of falling to the ground like Newton’s apples.

To say nothing of the highly unsightly underwear waistband peeping from the top, as if it were the ultimate fashion statement.

For nearly a decade now, many like me, I’m sure, have suffered and seethed with silent indignation.

Picture this scene that must have played out with countless well-endowed body types.

You go to a store stocking the best-known denim brands, look around and find what you thought was the perfect-looking pair of jeans. 

You turn to the salesgirl and say, “I’ll try this, but in regular fit.”

And the salesgirl (another specimen of the impossible waist brigade) looks you in the eye unflinchingly, without an iota of apology in her voice, and utters the damning words,
“Madam, it is available in low waist only. ”

“But why?” you want to shriek.

“Are only skinny people shopping these days? Or, has Baba Ramdev managed to turn around everyone’s head and body with his tummy-crunching asanas?

What are people with slightly more relaxed midriffs supposed to do? Switch to sarees permanently?

” Aloud, of course, you say “Oh!” nonchalantly and turn to check out the pullovers on the next rack instead, which look infinitely less discriminatory. 

Or the time when you venture to tentatively get into one of those low waist contraptions and try to hide the uncontainable parts with a long top, thinking if you hold your breath long enough at the relevant moments you can get away with it, and be seen as the cool and stylish person that you are inside.

And then have your teenage daughter tell you with a withering look, “Mom, why can’t you just wear something that suits you?”

No more of this indignity.

Order is going to be restored to a world running amok with hipsters.

Henceforth, you can boldly go and shop to your waist’s content.

Now, if only that other ill-conceived fashion disaster would also be given the boot: the slim-fit shirt. That would make the world a truly liveable place.

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