<p>The first time I had an argument with the man who is now my husband — a man I’d already identified as the love of my life — I thought we’d have to break up. It had all been going so well that I’d mentally planned the wedding. But as soon as we didn’t see eye to eye about something, I thought I’d ruined it. As luck would have it, even though he too had a pathological fear of fighting, he was more fearful of the prospect of never seeing me again. So, he initiated a heated conversation that sorted out the dispute.<br /><br /></p>.<p>I never once saw my parents argue, so I grew up thinking that conflict and arguing were a terrifying threat to harmony, and my new beau had a similar fear. So, for ages we just avoided it — until our frustrations reached bursting point. Today, we’re happily married, probably partly because we’ve faced up to that fear. We talk things through, sometimes argue, but usually find a positive resolution. Everyone handles conflict differently. I have some friends who bicker non-stop, while others seem to be constantly having explosive rows.<br /><br />Through their work counselling couples, relationship experts — and married couple of 35 years — Dr Judith Wright and Dr Bob Wright have identified an inventory of ‘conflict styles’ that apply to most of us in their recent book, The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to 15 Common Fights, What They Really Mean & How They Can Bring You Closer. “In any <br />argument there are two things at stake: the outcome of whatever is being argued about, and the relationship itself,” says Bob. “And if someone values the outcome at all costs — even at the cost of the relationship — then it’s problematic.” <br /><br />And as in my case, arguing is often learned behaviour. “When it comes to fighting with our partner, our stance and style has more often than not been learned and formed by our childhoods,” says Judith. Intrigued? Read on to see if you recognise your type.<br /><br />You’re a Pleaser when…<br />You give in a lot to your partner’s point of view. “Pleasers tend to think that anger is wrong or bad; often because when a parent was cross it meant something scary,” says Judith. “As a result they have very little experience of anger leading to a positive outcome, so they feel much safer avoiding conflict, which at the start of a relationship is a shortcut to harmony.” <br /><br />Pleasers are often attracted to people who are very assertive. “There are times that it really does make sense to avoid conflict. If one of you is particularly stressed out, say, it’s genuinely helpful to bite your tongue,” says Bob. “But giving in to your partner’s desires and views all the time ultimately builds up resentments.” <br /><br />How to argue better: Put simply, Pleasers need to learn how to compete. Often, they’re brilliant at assessing their partner’s needs and desires but have no idea what they want or need themselves. Start asking yourself what you like and want — from food to music to films. It sounds basic, but this will help you begin to focus on and express what you need in the relationship. <br /><br />You’re a Sulker when… <br />You’re so afraid of conflict that you avoid it at all costs. So while Pleasers avoid <br />arguing because they’re prioritising their partner’s needs, Sulkers do it because they are not properly engaged in the relationship. “Sulkers often punish their partner — with frosty silence or by withholding sex — rather than directly saying what they are upset about,” says Judith. <br /><br />“This often becomes your style because as a child you never learned to assert yourself: maybe you felt powerless — and so made sure that nobody else got what they wanted either.” According to Bob, underneath this behaviour is almost always an earnest desire to be heard and respected — coupled with a fear of directly expressing that. “By avoiding conflict, you are not engaging properly, maybe because you are afraid of intimacy,” he says.<br /><br />How to argue better: If it feels safer to avoid conflict, try revisiting a disagreement once the heat of the moment has passed. Say, ‘I avoided saying this at the time, but what I was really thinking was this and what I wish we could agree on is that’.<br /><br />You’re a Big Banger when… <br />You just can’t bear to ‘lose’ — even if it comes at a cost. Big Bangers are almost always created by their birth order — but this is very specific to each family. “Sometimes, the oldest child might compete to maintain ‘top dog’ position when siblings come along. In other families, the oldest has a ‘golden child’ attitude, so the other siblings end up competing to be as good,” says Bob. “Even more nuanced is the middle child, who can have feelings of inferiority, and might feel their only way of competing is by saying ‘I told you so’.”<br /><br />How to argue better: It may sound cheesy but Big Bangers are often just yearning to be loved. If this is you, take a step back and ask yourself why it’s so important to win. Reflect on your childhood. Could your desire for one-upmanship be a yearning to be affirmed, respected and heard?<br /><br />You’re a Negotiator when… <br />You approach an argument with a view to keeping the peace by meeting in the <br />middle. This often applies to people from large families — but generally not the first born. Unsurprisingly, it’s quite common to have two negotiators in a partnership. “Negotiation skills are great to have, but not if it means neither party is happy,” says Bob. “If it’s a one-off, say if you are deciding what movie to watch, then being a negotiator is a good skill because it can solve a dispute without building up resentment. But long-term it can cause a problem because negotiators ‘solve’ arguments without really fully winning.” <br /><br />He gives an example of a couple they know with dramatically different tastes who furnished a house together and negotiated a style compromise — that they both hate. “Sooner or later you’ll become very unhappy because meeting in the middle each time is really frustrating.” How to argue better: Negotiators are often out of touch with their deeper desires and yearnings and need to learn to fight their corner and compete more. The first step towards this is to think more honestly about what you want and prefer. The second is to pluck up the courage to start expressing it, even if in little ways at first.<br /><br />You’re a Synergiser when… <br />You can have differences of opinion and fight for what you want, but — crucially — work as a team to come up with creative solutions rather than one person winning and the other capitulating. “For example, if you don’t want to go to your partner’s work party, rather than just refusing, you might explain that since you don’t know anyone, you’re scared you’ll feel abandoned,” says Bob, who believes he and Judith have become Synergisers, which is the ideal type. <br /><br />Synergisers fight for their side of an argument, but not at the cost of the relationship. They are more likely to listen to their partner, express their point of view, and then come up with new ways of thinking about things to solve the issue. Sounds perfect? There are caveats: “Both halves of the couple really need to have the same approach. Also, this style of arguing is time consuming!” says Judith. <br /><br />How to argue better: If you keep reaching the same brick walls, suggest that you each come up with at least three solutions — no matter how hare-brained. You might be surprised by the results. <br /></p>
<p>The first time I had an argument with the man who is now my husband — a man I’d already identified as the love of my life — I thought we’d have to break up. It had all been going so well that I’d mentally planned the wedding. But as soon as we didn’t see eye to eye about something, I thought I’d ruined it. As luck would have it, even though he too had a pathological fear of fighting, he was more fearful of the prospect of never seeing me again. So, he initiated a heated conversation that sorted out the dispute.<br /><br /></p>.<p>I never once saw my parents argue, so I grew up thinking that conflict and arguing were a terrifying threat to harmony, and my new beau had a similar fear. So, for ages we just avoided it — until our frustrations reached bursting point. Today, we’re happily married, probably partly because we’ve faced up to that fear. We talk things through, sometimes argue, but usually find a positive resolution. Everyone handles conflict differently. I have some friends who bicker non-stop, while others seem to be constantly having explosive rows.<br /><br />Through their work counselling couples, relationship experts — and married couple of 35 years — Dr Judith Wright and Dr Bob Wright have identified an inventory of ‘conflict styles’ that apply to most of us in their recent book, The Heart of the Fight: A Couple’s Guide to 15 Common Fights, What They Really Mean & How They Can Bring You Closer. “In any <br />argument there are two things at stake: the outcome of whatever is being argued about, and the relationship itself,” says Bob. “And if someone values the outcome at all costs — even at the cost of the relationship — then it’s problematic.” <br /><br />And as in my case, arguing is often learned behaviour. “When it comes to fighting with our partner, our stance and style has more often than not been learned and formed by our childhoods,” says Judith. Intrigued? Read on to see if you recognise your type.<br /><br />You’re a Pleaser when…<br />You give in a lot to your partner’s point of view. “Pleasers tend to think that anger is wrong or bad; often because when a parent was cross it meant something scary,” says Judith. “As a result they have very little experience of anger leading to a positive outcome, so they feel much safer avoiding conflict, which at the start of a relationship is a shortcut to harmony.” <br /><br />Pleasers are often attracted to people who are very assertive. “There are times that it really does make sense to avoid conflict. If one of you is particularly stressed out, say, it’s genuinely helpful to bite your tongue,” says Bob. “But giving in to your partner’s desires and views all the time ultimately builds up resentments.” <br /><br />How to argue better: Put simply, Pleasers need to learn how to compete. Often, they’re brilliant at assessing their partner’s needs and desires but have no idea what they want or need themselves. Start asking yourself what you like and want — from food to music to films. It sounds basic, but this will help you begin to focus on and express what you need in the relationship. <br /><br />You’re a Sulker when… <br />You’re so afraid of conflict that you avoid it at all costs. So while Pleasers avoid <br />arguing because they’re prioritising their partner’s needs, Sulkers do it because they are not properly engaged in the relationship. “Sulkers often punish their partner — with frosty silence or by withholding sex — rather than directly saying what they are upset about,” says Judith. <br /><br />“This often becomes your style because as a child you never learned to assert yourself: maybe you felt powerless — and so made sure that nobody else got what they wanted either.” According to Bob, underneath this behaviour is almost always an earnest desire to be heard and respected — coupled with a fear of directly expressing that. “By avoiding conflict, you are not engaging properly, maybe because you are afraid of intimacy,” he says.<br /><br />How to argue better: If it feels safer to avoid conflict, try revisiting a disagreement once the heat of the moment has passed. Say, ‘I avoided saying this at the time, but what I was really thinking was this and what I wish we could agree on is that’.<br /><br />You’re a Big Banger when… <br />You just can’t bear to ‘lose’ — even if it comes at a cost. Big Bangers are almost always created by their birth order — but this is very specific to each family. “Sometimes, the oldest child might compete to maintain ‘top dog’ position when siblings come along. In other families, the oldest has a ‘golden child’ attitude, so the other siblings end up competing to be as good,” says Bob. “Even more nuanced is the middle child, who can have feelings of inferiority, and might feel their only way of competing is by saying ‘I told you so’.”<br /><br />How to argue better: It may sound cheesy but Big Bangers are often just yearning to be loved. If this is you, take a step back and ask yourself why it’s so important to win. Reflect on your childhood. Could your desire for one-upmanship be a yearning to be affirmed, respected and heard?<br /><br />You’re a Negotiator when… <br />You approach an argument with a view to keeping the peace by meeting in the <br />middle. This often applies to people from large families — but generally not the first born. Unsurprisingly, it’s quite common to have two negotiators in a partnership. “Negotiation skills are great to have, but not if it means neither party is happy,” says Bob. “If it’s a one-off, say if you are deciding what movie to watch, then being a negotiator is a good skill because it can solve a dispute without building up resentment. But long-term it can cause a problem because negotiators ‘solve’ arguments without really fully winning.” <br /><br />He gives an example of a couple they know with dramatically different tastes who furnished a house together and negotiated a style compromise — that they both hate. “Sooner or later you’ll become very unhappy because meeting in the middle each time is really frustrating.” How to argue better: Negotiators are often out of touch with their deeper desires and yearnings and need to learn to fight their corner and compete more. The first step towards this is to think more honestly about what you want and prefer. The second is to pluck up the courage to start expressing it, even if in little ways at first.<br /><br />You’re a Synergiser when… <br />You can have differences of opinion and fight for what you want, but — crucially — work as a team to come up with creative solutions rather than one person winning and the other capitulating. “For example, if you don’t want to go to your partner’s work party, rather than just refusing, you might explain that since you don’t know anyone, you’re scared you’ll feel abandoned,” says Bob, who believes he and Judith have become Synergisers, which is the ideal type. <br /><br />Synergisers fight for their side of an argument, but not at the cost of the relationship. They are more likely to listen to their partner, express their point of view, and then come up with new ways of thinking about things to solve the issue. Sounds perfect? There are caveats: “Both halves of the couple really need to have the same approach. Also, this style of arguing is time consuming!” says Judith. <br /><br />How to argue better: If you keep reaching the same brick walls, suggest that you each come up with at least three solutions — no matter how hare-brained. You might be surprised by the results. <br /></p>