A blockbuster and the mother of all scripts

Swalpa Connect Maadi

“What is it about?” I asked, never having seen him so keyed up. Not even when he  was planning a remake of ‘Ten Commandments’ as ‘Dus Ho Gaye Bus’. “Think ‘Lagaan’,” he said, “now add ‘Da Vinci Code’. Throw in ‘Spiderman’ and ‘Slumdog Millionaire’. You’ve got my blockbuster.”
“Sounds like a hotch-potch,” I said. “I will have you know it is an edge-of-seat, nailbiting suspense with romance, sex, religion, intrigue in a fast edit with more twists than permed hair. It will be the biggest hit of the century.” “Okay, tell me or you will burst.”
“There is this Godman...and no, it’s not the N-word, before you ask. His name is BTananda.”
“BTananda as in beatitude?” “It’s BT as in brinjal. And if you will stop interrupting, I can go on.”
“Go on,” I said, settling down .
“Godman BT has a humungous following with ashrams all over the world — books, videos, music... it’s a multi-multi dollar enterprise. The film opens with him holding a session…music by A R Rehman…with these scantily clad chicks swaying in erotic ‘asanas’. What nobody knows is that he is the head of a secret outfit called ‘Lashkar-e- Rawism’, and hold-your-breath, he is anti-Christ, anti-India, anti-cricket and anti-cooked food.”
“That’s a lot of antis. Usually, they have one pet hate.”
“I told you my film is intellectual,” he said, affronted.
“BT hates cricket with a venom and will not allow any devotee to watch IPL.When he was a kid, a ball rendered him one eyed — see that’s the psychological angle for credibility.”
“So his followers rebel?”
“How did you guess? The mutiny takes the form of a secret video film showing our man in the raw, with a starlet, which is released to the media.”
“When you say raw, is he nude?”
“No. He is actually eating raw BT brinjals with the starlet. You see he is head  of another secret cult promoting sinister veggies.”
“Where is the sex if all he is doing is eating raw brinjals?”
“But the audience thinks he is indulging in wild sex.” “Aha..so BTananda is innocent?”
“That’s where the audience is completely befuddled. They don’t know the good guys from the bad guys till the film ends.”
“So then the media takes up the sex romp film.” “Here comes the twist.”
He said, “BT actually turns out be…a woman. And his followers decide to abandon him.”
“The film ends with BT walking into the sunset with the starlet?” I offered. “This, my dumb friend, is where BT buys himself an IPL cricket team” “Huh??!!” I was non-plussed.
“I told you my script is unique. BT wants the team to lose every time…to sabotage IPL.” “But how will it sabotage IPL?”
“You are dumb!. Why would anyone want to watch a team called BT brinjals lose?”
“Wait…how did he fund a team?” “That’s another twist. BT is secretly sponsored by GM Foods. Surprised??” He rubbed his hands with glee.
“If GM Foods want BT brinjals to lose, how will they introduce brinjals in India?”
“Stumped you! The GM guys will officially withdraw brinjals to make way for BT onions and that is the real hidden agenda.”
I held my head in my hands. “Why can’t you make a simple film of a godman who succumbs to temptation?”
“If that’s all people want to watch, why should I bother? It’s all on U tube.”