Dads with a difference

A few days ago, New Zealand's Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced she is pregnant with her first child and her husband Clarke Gayford, an avid fisherman and host of a TV show on fish, will be a stay-at-home dad. Mr Gayford stood next to her looking mighty chuffed about it all.

And why shouldn't he be. In this era of #metoo campaigns, women solidarity marches and the constant tumbling out of dirty secrets from famous men's closets, they looked like the perfect poster couple of the future - the happy stay-at-home dad and his happier leader-wife.

Not picture-perfect always

But being a stay-at-home dad is not always as dreamy as the photo of the New Zealand power couple projects it to be; though it is heartening to see the trend picking up, not just in highly developed societies, but also in much less advanced countries such as India. Unlike in the West, there are no real statistics here about such fathers despite it being a legitimate phenomenon, albeit a slow-rising one.

It is not too difficult though to fathom why dads staying at home while moms go out to work looks much more doable today. As jobs (and office cultures) have become more flexible and women are keener to etch out an independent life with a solid career, it  is somewhat inevitable to treat child rearing as a shared venture. This not just means one partner being physically present for the child always, but also involves the 'equal' division of household chores - often, a sorer point of contention than changing nappies.

Role switch

All change comes with its own conflicts and this switch in traditional gender roles is no exception.

Stay-at-home dads (SAHDs) arguably have an even deeper mire to wade through than their female counterparts. If stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) have to deal with being asked 'what do you do all day' and many other such ugly questions, SAHDs have to battle suspicions of living on their wives' income, being somehow less masculine, or worse, generally being good-for-nothing sloths. Author and stand-up comedian Suman Kumar says in a system that believes a 'job' is something that you do in an 'office', there's no point in yelling from rooftops about dreams. "People love conformity, and really, thank God for that. But the occasional 'bro, I wish I had your life!', 'So lucky!' does irritate. But I have learnt to never be bothered by people," he says.

Suman became a SAHD when his doctor-wife wanted to pursue her super-specialisation in Endocrinology in Kolkata. This was in 2011 and his daughter was then two years old. The family moved to Kolkata and Suman quit his IT job and started writing his book, a dream he had been nurturing from long. Comedy came later, after they moved back to Bengaluru, by which time Suman had successfully seen through what it really means to constantly be on call for a little person, battle the insecurities of not getting a regular salary and keep his relationship with his wife smooth. "The most difficult part of being a SAHD for me was getting over the addiction of the pay check. But on the brighter side, I got the best seat in the room to watch my little girl grow up," he says. He adds being a SAHD has taught him to appreciate and respect women more. "We actually ought to write about how SAHMs are the real heroes!"

Tough but rewarding

But child-rearing is a 'job' that does not discriminate. It will continue to be a constant whirl of feeding-changing-washing-singing-cleaning-soothing-crying-sleeping-rinsing-repeating, irrespective of gender. As Rohit Nair says, the transition isn't easy by any stretch of imagination, but the rewards are many. "It is the oldest cliché but a child's joy in little things is infectious; I find immense pleasure in teaching my boy Rudra small stuff like hanging upside down like a monkey or spinning a new story  during story time - every day is a new experience," he says.

Allan Jorgensen agrees. An IT support consultant and a Danish national, Allan has been working out of his home in Aarhus in Denmark while also being a stay-at-home dad to his two boys. In Scandinavian countries like Denmark, being a SAHD today is nearly par for the course; as Allan puts it, it is now "quite normal". Apart from the difficulty of concentrating at home while the kids are around, Allan believes being there for the kids greatly helps in their development. "Both parents always have to help out equally with the kids and being a SAHD is the best way for dads to realise that," he says.

For Rohit, becoming a SAHD was more out of need than choice. An experienced HR professional, Rohit had just relocated to Bengaluru from Pune and finding a nanny was proving to be difficult. His son was only three at the time and since his wife had just joined a new job, Rohit decided to stay at home as a temporary arrangement, while he looked for a new job for himself. But unexpected turn of events meant he extended his stint - something Rohit does not regret at all. But about managing the household and the child, Rohit has this to say: "Being at home full time is far different from what one imagines - your time is built around your kid's schedule and no matter how much you love them, they will drive you nuts!" He advises would-be SAHDs to be open to picking up skills related to caregiving and spending a large part of the day dominated by the world view of a child, rather than that of an adult.

Keeping it natural

Rohit got his share of adverse reactions from friends and well-wishers. His father was especially worried that he might not be able to return to a full-time career - this particular fear was not unfounded. "When I was ready to get back to work, I had people tell me what I was doing was good and different, but they were not sure if I would culturally fit for their organisation. But perceptions are changing and there are organisations that don't judge people for their parenting choices," he says. Another funny but real hurdle Rohit faced as a SAHD was breaking into 'mommy circles' in kids' hobby classes or even at the local park. "Women are often suspicious of my motives - they doubt whether I want to set a play date or ask them out!" he chuckles.

Children though, as long as the parents don't make a big deal out of it, get used to anything quickly. Suman says, quite like the insightful comedian he is, that no matter what, children have a stronger bond with their mothers while Rohit believes his son Rudra understood that his parents shared responsibilities as well as household work and it was, after all, quite cool. "For Rudra, it was all  quite natural and if he does grow up into a well-adjusted respectful young man, I hope I can claim some credit for it," jokes Rohit. In a more serious tone, he says if we expect our kids to grow up to be fair, honest and open-minded adults, we have to show them how instead of lecturing them about it.

Perhaps this is indeed the best bit about SAHDs. Parenting is already 'the hardest job in the world' and navigating through established narratives and gender stereotypes in these changing times, makes it only more demanding. But by being a SAHD, if fathers can 'show, not tell' their children, what could indeed be better than that!