How to disagree, manage disagreements and use them as teaching moments without burning bridges or causing ruptures in the team?
In his bestselling book How to Fight, the late Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh discusses how to release bonds of anger and resentment through mindfulness and compassion. “When we cannot communicate, we suffer, and we spill our suffering onto other people. We can find ways to open the door of communication again.”
One essential part of communication is disagreement. People are often reluctant to disagree in a business setting because they want to avoid conflict, rather than try to engage. However, those that disagree typically tend to undermine decisions because they don’t feel like their perspective has been heard in the decision-making process. There is a better way. Disagree openly, but when a group decision is made, everyone should commit to the decision.
Misconceptions
Disagreement is bad: Most people think that disagreement is destructive to their professional relationships and productivity. However, research suggests that when managed well, disagreement can lead to better ideas, creativity and innovation.
Those that disagree won’t listen: As human beings, we often rely on stereotypes and extreme caricatures, especially when the person in consideration is not on our side. We often see situations of disagreement as end-of-the-world scenarios, rather than opportunities for negotiation. Instead of seeking compromise to make a conflict disappear, advocate for your stance. In reality, if the disagreement is not aired and resolved in a mutually agreeable way, then problems just go “underground” and fester.
Junior employees cannot disagree with higher-ups: In some hierarchical organisations, disagreement by juniors has typically been viewed as rude and insubordinate. This creates a “yes” culture in which no decision by an executive is challenged in any real way. Actually, this is a major mistake. Frontline workers are often the ones who have the greatest customer intimacy, and data on how things are running on the frontlines. These employees should be closely involved in decision making at the highest levels.
Leaders are not leading well when disagreements happen: When leaders discourage candid conversations, they are the ultimate losers, because they end up making decisions in a vacuum. To avoid this, healthy debates should always be encouraged. Leaders are responsible for creating a psychologically safe environment in which all team members feel comfortable expressing their opinions.
Disagreeing effectively
If we believe that disagreement can be healthy and is essential, then how do we disagree effectively?
First, seek to understand.
Make sure that you understand the other person’s perspective. Rather than immediately jumping in to poke holes in their arguments, try and really listen – you just might learn a thing or two. An effective way is to follow the triangular method:
Ask the person for their perspective.
Listen to their answer.
Repeat in your own words.
You don’t always have to agree with what they say, but you will at least gain an understanding that will make negotiation more efficient.
Don’t make it personal. You can disagree about the topic at hand without being disagreeable. Keep coming back to the topic rather than making or deflecting personal statements. As a corollary, keep ego out of it. Check your ego at the door so that position and experience are irrelevant and you can focus on the topic at hand.
Bring data. It is hard to be convincing without the necessary evidence to support your claim. You want to be able to show that your stance is based on fact, not just emotion.
Don’t use “all or nothing” phrases. None of us is all-knowing. Instead of making sweeping statements such as “Everyone says…”, “No one has ever…”, try to be more modest in your claims. Again, facts are usually more convincing than emotion.
Emphasise areas of agreement. Make sure that you don’t lose sight of the areas that you agree on – highlight those consistently. You might discover that you agree on a lot of your higher priorities and may be willing to compromise on your lower ones.
Remember your common goal. At the end of the day, you are having this discussion in service of a higher goal – serving a customer, building a new product, exploring an innovative idea. Keeping the larger goal front and centre can help move the conversation towards a win-win solution.
Humour can help. Laugh. And laugh at yourself. Lighten the mood and win over the people in the room, even those who are disagreeing.
Lastly, after a robust discussion, remember to come together as a group and commit to the decision. Being a professional means that once you commit to a decision, it is best to give your full support to the idea, even if you did not win the day. Team morale will falter if key players hold grudges or fail to support one another in pursuit of shared success.
Even though disagreement is inevitable, remember that we are all just people. Keeping an eye on compassion can lead one through any disagreement, large or small. One key bridge-builder who understands this deeply is the Dalai Lama, who once said, “The more honest you are, the more open, the less fear you will have because there’s no anxiety about being exposed or revealed to others.” Lead with empathy and honesty, and the rest will follow.
(The author is a global social entrepreneur, engaged in philanthropy and trying to build harmonious teams even when there is disagreement within.)