Roughly around this time in January, listen carefully around you — you’ll hear some dull cracking noises. It’s the sound of resolutions being broken all over the world.
Genders and agendas
All of us know that a New Year resolution is something that goes in one year and goes out the other. Yet that doesn’t stop millions of delusional people like you and me from making yet another list to change for the better. I decided to find out if there are gender differences in the making, keeping, or breaking of resolutions. Curiously, the list for both males and females had the same classic quit-this, start-that items, though the priorities and pursuit of these changes differed between genders. Men focus on personal growth, women veer towards goals that involve creativity or relationships.
So here’s the classic list: Lose Weight, Quit smoking, Get Fit, Manage Stress, Read More, Travel More, Learn Something New. But the all-time favourite is “I’m going to quit smoking”. Tobacco companies definitely hate January, when sales dip dramatically, with marketing managers angrily fuming away (usually on their own unsold cigarettes). But come February, sales targets are back on track, with consumers merrily lighting up after giving up on a month-long battle.
The fitness industry is one group of people who look forward to brisk business on January 1. My gym-coach friend Jai reports queues of people signing up every New Year’s Day. Jai has a clever ‘breath test’ to check who’s really serious, though. He sneakily hangs up an ‘Out of Order’ sign outside his building’s lift. Those who survive walking upstairs to the fourth floor of his gym’s reception and breathlessly ask between gasps about membership plans are quite sure they need an immediate plan to get healthier!
I decided to see how it’s going with some of my friends with unusual resolutions. Hen-pecked Hari decided to be way more assertive — but this is what he said. “I am still waiting for my wife to give me a list of things I want to change…” My writer pal Kaveri said topping her list was: “Avoid procrastination. But as I am so busy now, I will write down my list definitely by next week.” My Netflix-addicted pal Ashok said it was fewer movies, and more reading for him this year. Yet I saw him binge-watching The Crown finale series. “What about your plan to read more?” I asked. “I am doing just that! I am reading it with subtitles even though it’s an English serial.”
Excuses, excuses!
So ultimately I was compiling quite a dubious list of resolutions from the folks I know. “I decided to quit a few bad habits, like quitting smoking, quitting drinking, quitting pizzas. But since nobody likes a quitter, I stopped being one”. “I’m giving up gambling. As the odds are 4 to1 that it may be a good thing to bet on”.
“I’ve decided to leave my past behind. So if I owe you any money, sorry, I’ve moved on…” “My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with journalists who ask what my New Year resolution is.” I also compiled for you some compelling resolutions for our digital age.
Don’t accidentally hit ‘Reply All’. For eg: when your boss sends a circular to your team that increments are further postponed, and you reply all with “#@%* you Charlie!” Do check what auto-correct made of your message before hitting Send, without fail. For eg: the red-faced person who condoled with a colleague as he’d just lost his father, with this message: “I am sending you my deepest condoms.”
Don’t keep on checking Facebook to see how many people liked your status about your resolution to spend less time on Facebook.”
Meanwhile I can’t resist wishing you for the New Year myself: “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year Resolutions.”
(He Said/She Said is a monthly column on gender issues — funny side up. The author’s love for cooking up stories has resulted in her latest book “My Grandmother Can’t Cook!”. Reach her at indubee8@yahoo.co.in)