Talking sexuality with teens

Not only but also

Anurag Basu's film Metro...In Dino (2025) has this scene where Pihu, a teenage girl (played by Ahana Basu), calls up her aunt Chumki (played by Sara Ali Khan), and says that she is not sure if she is attracted to boys or girls because she is drawn to two of her friends at school. One is a boy, and the other is a girl. It seems that Pihu is unfamiliar with the concept of bisexuality.

At first, Chumki tells Pihu that she is too young—only 15—to be so worried about her orientation, and that she will eventually figure out whether she is attracted to boys, girls or both. It comes across as an open-minded and affirming response from a trusted adult, reinforcing the teenager’s autonomy. When Pihu insists on a more immediate gameplan, Chumki recommends a kissing test. The results are disastrous. Pihu kisses the boy and runs away. He tries to make sense of what has happened, and whether he is responsible for it, but she starts hiding from him. Later, Pihu tries to kiss the girl when she is asleep at a camp sleepover. The girl is repelled by this non-consensual interaction. She starts avoiding Pihu, and excluding her on the sports field.  

Support matters

While watching the film, it occurred to me that Pihu is not alone in her predicament, and I began to reflect on how parents and teachers could support teenagers going through such experiences. 

Sujata Kelkar Shetty, a clinical scientist trained at the National Institutes of Health in Maryland, USA, and author of the book Resilience Decoded: What Every Parent Should Know About Teen Mental Health, says, “Communicating with teens means building their trust and this often starts with the small stuff. Be curious about their life. Get to know their friends and what they like to do. Ask them how their day went and if they learned anything interesting in school.”

As the mother of two teenage sons, she believes that staying connected to their world makes it easier for teenagers to approach parents with bigger, more complex issues, like sexuality. “The more you communicate with your teen, the more comfortable they will feel because teens often have a hard time talking about themselves,” she adds. Sujata recommends broaching sensitive topics in a way that will not make teenagers uneasy or scare them off. There is no need to prepare a lecture. The experience of watching a movie or web series with a bisexual character can easily turn into a “teachable moment”. According to Sujata, one can simply say, “The character in this show is attracted to boys and girls. That’s okay with me. What do you think?”

This appears to be a mature approach, where the parent is simply communicating their acceptance of and respect for varied sexual orientations. At the same time, there is ample room for the teenager to put forth their personal thoughts. However, one also wonders if teenagers would appreciate having their fun movie night transformed into a educational exercise.

Sadaf, a therapist who runs a mental health podcast called Guftagu Ki Gutargoo, points out that teenagers can often sense parental discomfort, even if it is not articulated explicitly. A safe space cannot be assumed. It has to be built over time. She says, "When parents prepare children for puberty markers and secondary sex characteristics, they are more likely to grow up into teenagers who feel safe initiating conversations with parents about sexuality and relationships." 

She adds, "When teenagers come out as bisexual or express curiosity about bisexuality, it is important for parents to not show a bias or preference. They must focus on offering unconditional support rather than trying to mould teenagers to help them pass as heterosexual.”

The gift of emotional safety 

Tanaya Narendra, a doctor and health influencer, who wrote the book Dr. Cuterus: Everything Nobody Tells You About Your Body believes that “the greatest gift an adult can offer is emotional safety”. This involves listening, supporting, and reminding teenagers that uncertainty is okay. She says, “The joy of being human is that they don’t have to know everything right away!” Instead of asking “Are you sure?”, she suggests saying “I’m here, no matter what” because “queerness is not a problem to be fixed, it is one of the many ways to be human”.

She does not think of the generation gap as unbridgeable. She notes that “the absence of language does not mean the absence of feelings”. Here are some things that adults can do: “Read/consume content from queer voices, talk to therapists, and most importantly, question the beliefs you inherited. Teenagers don’t need perfect parents or teachers, but they need available ones. You can change their world with your presence, patience, and willingness to learn.”

Having observed that, in a large number of Indian families, affection between spouses is kept private but fights happen in the open, Sadaf believes that "teenagers often miss out on seeing the relational aspect of sexual intimacy and sexual orientation". She recommends having conversations with teenagers about specific traits that they like in a person rather than fixating on gender, and also busting the myth that mistreatment is an expression of affection.

Sujata lists out the misconceptions that parents must get rid of. Firstly, bisexuality is not “just a phase”. Using such expressions can damage a teen's evolving sense of self, which includes their sexual orientation. Secondly, “there is no cure” because sexual orientation is not a flaw that needs to be fixed. Thirdly, sexual orientation is only one among their various attributes and characteristics, so adults must learn to celebrate them as they are. 

Today parents are being asked to offer teenagers the kind of support that they never had from their own parents. Listening to experts can fill that gap but it can also make one feel terribly inadequate as a parent, so it is important to cut oneself some slack while being open to advice.

(The author is a journalist, educator and literary critic.)