Anger signals unmet needs and broken boundaries: Expert explains

When anger fails to find an outlet and bottles up inside a person, its expression comes out in maladaptive and destructive forms.

Anger is often seen as an unpleasant or immoral emotion, however, its expression is essential for a person’s well being, experts have said.

When anger fails to find an outlet and bottles up inside a person, its comes out in maladaptive and destructive forms.

According to the American Psychological Association, anger can be described as tension and hostility arising from frustration, real or imagined injury by another, or perceived injustice.

It can manifest in behaviours trying to remove the object causing it or to merely express the emotion.

People express anger in different ways: verbally expressing it using neutral or blurting out emotionally charged words, or for some it can come out in the form of physical action like hitting one’s hand against the wall or breaking objects.

Also, anger is different from aggression which is intended to harm others or cause destruction.

Understanding anger

Speaking to DH, Dr. Pavitra Shankar, a psychiatrist at Aakash Healthcare (Dwarka) said: “Anger is a kind of internal message that something valuable and significant, like a border, value or need has been unfulfilled, broken or taken away.”

The expert clarified there is nothing inherently wrong with anger, it is an instinctive arousal, however, its expression or suppression makes all the difference.

Anger when handled with control and awareness results in clarity, assertiveness and solves problems. If expressed maladaptively, it can cause emotional and relational damage, said Dr Shankar.

Positive anger

It is natural to feel angry sometimes.

Anger can range from mild irritation to a burning rage, and differs in expression from person to person.

Experts say anger can be transformed into healthier forms of expression or redirected into other productive activities. 

For instance, many people turn to gym or physical activity after a painful breakup.

It could also be talking about the unmet needs or a violated boundary in constructive words without hurting the other.

The ideal practice must be to control this state of physiological arousal which can make a person express the emotion in a dramatic and hurtful way, said Dr Shankar.

She further explained one can communicate feelings of discomfort around a recurring behaviour in a caring and straightforward manner so that anger can effectively do its job of defending a person's self esteem, preserving boundaries and doing all this without escalating the conflict.

There are other states of emotions that come prior to anger: hurt, fear or frustration. If these feelings find an early outlet, expression won’t escalate to anger.

What happens when anger is suppressed for too long?

When anger is not directed outside, it turns inward and becomes a cause of physical, emotional and psychological distress.

Unexpressed anger is often expressed indirectly or in maladaptive ways, sometimes causing health problems.

“It begins as nervousness, irritability and depressive episodes. But, on a physiological level, unexpressed anger causes the body to be in a state of survival and constant stress. The elevated levels of cortisol eventually affects a person’s cardiovascular health, sleep patterns and immune response,” said Dr Shankar.

There are other ways suppressed anger finds its way out into the world. 

As per Psychology Today, sometimes a person can start identifying with the aggressor or the person who caused the anger, could be a parental figure or a bully at school or work. Even when the aggressor is removed from the situation, they develop an image of it inside their own head. This inner voice becomes their worst critic and replays the role of the aggressor.

People who are perpetually hostile or cynical towards others are often those who haven’t learnt to process anger in a constructive way, said the American Psychological Association.

People who are scared to express anger are often fearing societal disapproval or abandonment. This can make them passive aggressive towards others.

“Those who have a habit of always holding back anger can experience low self-esteem, inability to set boundaries, and unpleasantness towards others for always putting their needs first. This may lead to resentment and emotional alienation in relationships over time,” said Dr Shankar.

A balanced approach

A balanced emotional regulation does not consist in the uncontrolled display or total repression of that feeling, explained Dr Shankar.

Showing rage or not getting angry at all, both are harmful states for the body. 

While it is not healthy to hurt others, anger needs an outlet which is both constructive and healing at the same time. 

Redirecting anger is not to rid oneself of that emotion but to make it a resource of understanding and development and using it to enhance one's mental health, said the expert.