21st century parenting challenges

There may be no energy drink to actually help you deal with your smart kid and his incessant questions. But there’s hope, for those who are willing to take the challenge in the right spirit, assures Reethika Azariah Kuruvilla.

Five-year-old son: Mum, are aeroplanes machines?Mum: Yes.Son: So, how do they fly?Mum: They’re built a special way, with wings, so they can fly.Son: Do Autobots(from the Transformers movie) also fly? Mum: YesSon: Aren’t they machines?Mum: YesSon: So, how do they fly, if they have no wings?Mum: Have you brushed your teeth yet? It’s time to go to bed!

Here’s something that makes the ice-bucket challenge pale in comparison: The 21st century parenting challenge. Kids these days tend to leave you bowled out most days, stumped through the rest. If answering all your children’s questions led to university degrees, every parent today would have a couple of PhDs under their belt. Born as they are with email IDs and social networking profiles – and with nothing to stop them gaining on us technologically by the second - there’s no tougher role to play today than that of a parent.

This is not to say that parenting was any easier earlier, but a lot has changed. In just a quarter of a century, everything seems to be different - from the way we store photographs to the toys kids play with and the entertainment they demand. There’s always a bit of concern though, when you wonder if things are actually changing for the better. 

For instance, to keep a toddleroccupied in a restaurant today, all you need to do is give her a game on the phone; there’s no need for painful conversation with hungry, cranky kids. Isn’t that a wonderful thing?

As exhausting as it is to answer all those questions about why dragons and knights no longer exist, among other taxing queries, the fact is that you are directly responsible for your child’s intelligence. A study done by the University of Queensland suggests that up to 40 percent of a child’s intelligence is passed down from the parents. Dr Beben Benyamin and his colleagues analysed DNA samples from 18,000 children (aged six to eighteen years from Australia, Netherlands, UK and US), along with their IQ scores, looking for correlations between differences in the youngsters’ DNA and differences in their IQ. The findings suggest a gene known as FNBP1L was significantly linked to childhood intelligence (this same gene had previously been shown to be the most significant gene in predicting adult intelligence). In other words, having your own little resident Einstein is nobody’s fault but yours. Love it or leave it.

If you think it’s cute that your little girl has taught her grandparent how to work an iPad, there’s going to be a time (quite possibly tomorrow) when your half-a-dozen-year-old knows more about your smartphone than you do. While it does tend to be a fairly large morsel of information to digest, accepting facts for what they are and preparing for your future as a parent - who doesn’t know everything - makes life just a little bit easier.

Dealing with your (sometimes over-smart) child, who is quite possibly a teacher’s worst nightmare, may not really be as tough a mountain to climb as it often seems. However, there’s no real energy drink that can teach you how to deal with a question like “how come February has just 28 days – who made the calendar?” As tempting as it is to respond that you made the calendar, and February has 28 days simply because it does not have 38, take a moment off, a deep breath, say “just a minute”, and get to your closest Internet point – there’s nothing (or is there?) in the world an online search engine cannot answer.

What’s more, there are expert strategies to top this new-age parenting challenge. Eileen Kennedy-Moore and Mark Lowenthal provide well-researched guidance in their book, Smart parenting for smart kids. Their argument is that it takes more than school smarts to create fulfilling lives. They suggest some helpful parenting strategies to support positive growth and development in children.

Here is a quick checklist on how to tackle a brain that’s probably generating enough electricity to power a dozen light bulbs:

n Make communication a priority and be open to suggestions. Spend quality time with your child everyday discussing his day and parts of yours. Be prepared for some intense arguments on why you don’t think there’s a need for Megatron’s spaceship in the toy box. Stand your ground.  Online resources are plenty when it comes to raising children, so use your time spent on the Internet wisely. My personal good-read of the month: The Orange Rhino Challenge – 365 days of less yelling and more loving.
n Cool best friend or horrid bad cop? As tempting as it is to stay best friends with your children, especially if your communication now is often on a cell phone, set boundaries for both yourself and your child.  Eric Berne’s transactional analysis theories enrich one’s understanding of how to stay the ‘parent’ in a parent-child relationship.

 Praise your children and choose compassion over contention. What you feel about yourself often reflects how your children feel about themselves, so be kind and independent. Let your children learn through their mistakes, as you once did yourself and love them unconditionally for it. The younger your children are, the more they take their cues from you. Be respectful, considerate and honest. And watch their actions mirror yours.

n Avoid comparison. Teach your children that their Bubblegummer shoes are just as good as the next child’s Nike, and its okay to have something different from what the ‘cool people’ in class have. 

With today’s social-media stream of picture-perfect families, being perfect is almost as mandatory as sliced bread. But it’s really okay, if it seems like your family is the only one that probably just about manages one annual picture where everybody is smiling.

Have realistic expectations for your children, spouse and yourself. It’s important to forgive yourself for all the things that you want to do, but simply cannot.

n  Refuse to bend to convention by beating the creativity out of your otherwise messy child, who somehow can’t seem to write between the blue lines but can work a Rubik’s Cube faster than you. Given the rat-race that education has become today, it’s important to teach them life lessons outside of academics. Let them experience the joy of giving to those less fortunate; teach them to accept the consequences of their actions; take them on that magic carpet ride called life.

And always remember what Dr Seuss writes in his book Oh, the places you’ll go, “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the only one who’ll decide where to go…”