'Easy to be with' partners are not flexible, they are self silencing, say experts

For being an easy partner in a romantic or platonic relationship, one has to constantly place other people’s needs before their own. This has a cost, experts warned.

People who hardly engage in any conflict with their partners at home are socially rewarded for being "flexible, low maintenance and peaceful to co-exist around."

Such people often become desirable for bringing in peace and understanding into a relationship.

However, mental health experts call this tendency a step towards self silencing, a silent loss of oneself into other people’s life.

People who engage in perpetual ‘no-conflict’ mode are likely to pay a price, both to their physical and mental well-being, said experts.

Speaking to DH, Dr Munia Bhattacharya, a senior clinical psychologist at the Marengo Asia Hospitals (Gurugram) recalled a patient's visit where a woman claimed she never fought with her husband. There was no drama, no arguments and hardly any conflicts to remember.

On asking the patient if she could say something which was true to herself  but could upset her husband, she stood still.

If I say yes, life becomes easy

As per Psychology Today, the most distressed people are often not the loudest or confrontational in the room, they are the ones loved by their partners and others for being agreeable on everything.

“In my work, I keep seeing this pattern again and again. The relationships that look the smoothest from outside are not always the healthiest. In fact, sometimes they are the ones where one person has just stopped showing up fully. You hear things like, “We don’t really fight,” with a bit of pride. And I get it, it sounds like a good thing. But many times, it simply means one person has learnt to hold back,” said Dr Munia Bhattacharya.

The expert further clarified that this pattern is not limited to women alone.

“And this isn’t about men or women, I have seen both. A man once told me very casually, “If I just say yes, life is easier.” A woman said almost the same thing in a different way, “I don’t react, it keeps things calm,” said Dr Bhattacharya. 

Emotional regulation is hard work

People who seem agreeable on the front are doing emotional labour. They are the ones adjusting their needs, hiding away their disappointments and softening responses for others or their partner to like them.

While this sounds like minor behavioural changes, they actively make use of mental and emotional resources to tailor their expressions as per the need of the situation.

For instance, empathy is increasingly being viewed as a sophisticated neurological response generated using advanced neural circuits. 

This invisible labour when not reciprocated gets registered as resentment into one’s emotional body.

For being an easy partner in a romantic or platonic relationship, one has to constantly place other people’s needs before their own. 

It could be giving away one’s preferences like where to eat, where to rest, what to do with the weekend or other choices. All this is done to avoid negative emotions or bypass any relational friction.

Some experts highlight the formation of a power imbalance in these connections.

Speaking to DH, Yash Dilip Jadhav, a psychotherapist based in Mumbai said, “As a psychologist working with couples, I see that being an ‘easy partner’ often means avoiding conflict, over-adjusting, and carrying the emotional load to keep the relationship stable. This expectation doesn’t fall equally on both the parties involved. People with less power in the relationship often end up doing more of the emotional work. Sometimes, they tend to accommodate even when it's unfair to do so and this is where it slowly turns into self erasure.”

What causes them to become easy?

When a person becomes easy to be around, others experience them as safe and non-threatening.

For some it can be a way to avoid friction with others, to become socially more acceptable and others could have learnt it growing up.

“When they fear losing a person, fear being too much or grow up in spaces where being easy was the only way to feel accepted, the mind adapts. It tells them, stay agreeable, stay calm, don’t push too much. And interestingly, it works for a while until it starts to erase them,” said Dr Bhattacharya. 

As per experts, the tendency to please people becomes so domineering that one feels comfortable to go against their own values. In some cases, they disintegrate from their own belief system to avoid emotional discomfort.

Speaking to DH, Dr. Pavitra Shankar, a psychiatrist at Aakash Healthcare (Dwarka) said, “This fear is often functional in anxious attachment patterns, or presents as a need to be validated. With boundaries becoming more porous, the person might end up accepting actions that are not in accordance with their values, which causes emotional burnout and feeling exploited.”

How does it end?

Relationships are cultured through relational depth where both partners understand each other’s psychological needs and emotional world.

While easy going partners become socially attuned to the needs of others, they become vague to themselves, said experts.

There comes a point they become clueless on what they want from life and may suffer from chronic indecision.

Over time, they are less clear about their internal states, preferences and self identity, said Psychology Today.

This results in a silent buildup of resentment, loss of happiness and unfulfilled lives.

Repressed emotions are also linked to health problems like auto immune conditions, hypertension, heart disease, digestive problems, infections and others.

As per experts, being easy is not the problem but losing oneself in the process is problematic.

If one has to compromise authenticity for affection, the relationship will have a toll on people’s well being, said experts.

“I often tell my patients, if the only way your relationship works is when you stay quiet, then it’s not really working for you. That’s the hard truth. Because a relationship isn’t meant to feel like you have to edit yourself all the time. It’s supposed to hold both people, not just one person’s comfort while the other keeps adjusting,” said Dr Bhattacharya.