Why do some people make others lose hold on reality? Experts on ills of gaslighting

Adulthood is associated with an independence to perceive and process reality with not having to depend on others for its interpretation. However, sometimes full grown adults can also be made to question their understanding of the real situation.

As per experts, sometimes when a person feels their version of reality, identity or power is threatened by another, they might try to make the other person talk out of their beliefs to avoid discomfort or to stand firm on their own.

This manipulative tactic has been called ‘gaslighting’ and can cause psychological damage in those affected by it.

The American Psychological Association defines gaslighting as one person manipulating another into doubting their perceptions, experiences or understanding of events. 

Gaslighting can range from mild alteration of someone else’s reality to more serious forms where one is keeping another stuck in abusive and dangerous situations. The perpetrator could be a friend, partner, loved one, colleague or even public figures like actors or politicians. 

As per Healthline, it can also happen when a person fails to have a valid argument for holding a narrative and might try to underplay other person’s beliefs to be in a position of control and power.

Why do people gaslight?

As per a study published in National Library of Medicine, gaslighting is a gender neutral type of emotional abuse in which the abuser (gaslighter) exercises psychological control over another (called gaslightee).

The study identified three kinds of gaslighting tendencies in people: one that exercises control over reality through grand gestures, making the gaslightee depend on them for their needs, another controls the narrative by positioning themselves as the benevolent force in their life and then another who uses direct intimidation to disapprove other person’s reality.

As per Psychology Today, gaslighter can have two motives behind engaging in the unhealthy pattern: to avoid accountability for their own mistakes and to control another person’s perception of truth.

Gaslighting is also done to protect one’s sense of self, experts have said.

Speaking to DH, Chetna Luthra, a clinical psychologist at Marengo Asia Hospitals (Gurugram) said: “Sometimes people pick this malevolent tactic while growing up. When they grow up in spaces where their sense of self is threatened, they can learn this to navigate through conflicts. In people with narcissistic traits, this manipulative tactic can help them reinforce the belief that they can never be wrong in any situation. Here it becomes a protective shield.”

Some engage in gaslighting to have more control over the other person or to avoid consequences of their bad actions, she added.

As per experts, toxic people gaslight others to erase their sense of self and to make them lose trust in their own decisions. For this reason, many victims aren’t able to escape abusive relationships.

“They do it to destabilise other people's sense of self. Over time, this can cause the victim to have low confidence, poor decision making ability and lack of self trust. All these factors can enable the perpetrator to exercise control over the situation,” said Luthra.

As per the Cleveland Clinic, a gaslighter can show some of these signs: blaming another for things they never did, deflecting arguments, not accepting their fault, disagreeing with other person’s perception of reality, underplaying someone’s experience, guilt tripping others to make oneself feel better, withholding information or invalidating events or feelings of other.

Impact on the gaslightee

The impact of gaslighting can be immense and long term, experts have said.

“The impact of gaslighting is not just immediate in the sense of loss of control or winning a conflict or dominating a situation; rather it rewires the brain about one’s sense of self, connection to reality and belief systems. If someone is constantly being gaslit, it can slowly erode their discretion between what is real and false,” said Luthra.

If prolonged, it can also lead to chronic self doubt in the gaslightee, the expert said.

“You start second-guessing your memory, feelings and even basic decision making and judgement becomes difficult. There is a constant feeling of confusion, increased anxiety and hypervigilance where one is walking on eggshells, trying to avoid mistakes. This can bring up feelings of hopelessness, low mood and loss of motivation. When the internal compass is lost, one might start trusting others more than themselves leading to loss of self trust and confidence,” she added.

The expert also highlighted the vicious nature of gaslighting where the more a person loses their sense of self, the more they become easily manipulated.