Questions on Tinder and after

A man was arrested last week for cheating, after a date who wanted to marry him filed a police case. What are the implications of sex on a date?

Recently, a Bengaluru techie got her Tinder date arrested for refusing her marriage proposal the day after they had consummated their relationship.

The implications are far and wide for the inherently conservative Indian society that is still coming to terms with the Western concept of dating.

Metrolife decodes the implications of the case and asks experts their opinion.

Does it amount to cheating?
The Supreme Court has ruled that sex on the false promise of marriage is rape. In the Bengaluru case, if it is proved that both parties agreed to having intercourse, there is no rape or cheating case, says Deepthi Ayathan, lawyer.

What about emotional abuse?
Notwithstanding what the law says, getting into a relationship and being dumped after a romp in the bed is not good for anyone’s ego, nerves or emotional quotient. It can leave one feeling insulted and wounded, break self-confidence and impact mental health.

Be careful of sexual predators
Online dating apps have a poor record when it comes to addressing safety concerns of women. It is easy for men of dubious credentials to make fake profiles and lure unsuspecting women. Even when concerns are flagged, rarely do these sites take any action.

Patriarchy rears its head
The Bengaluru techie said she felt “used” and “dirty” after the encounter. These words bring us to the problematic notion that sex for the unmarried Indian woman is still taboo, unless accompanied by the promise of marriage. The social stigma surrounding this
furthers the idea that if a man promises marriage and then disappears after consummation, it becomes a black mark against the woman.

Social media sides with the guy
Twitterati were vocal about the incident. A user mocked the woman for going to Tinder to find commitment, another said Tinder was not Bharat Matrimony, and yet another berated her for going to the man’s house. Some people expressed shock over the arrest, pointing out that Tinder is meant for hookups and dating and not necessarily marriage. Yet others had a word of advice for women on dating apps — be clear about what you want and think before having sex. Or be prepared to face the consequences.

Reasons a person ghosts someone else

For fun
Casual cruelty makes some feel important and powerful.

Fear of relationships
People have a problem with relationships and when they feel they are getting attached to someone, they stop.

Lack of responsibility
People who ghost believe they started dating when they liked it and stopped when they lost interest. Lack of empathy is one of the main factors for this.

Lawyer’s take

In a recent case, a man took a woman to his house and forced himself on her, even though she clearly objected to it, by promising to marry her. The Supreme Court ruled that sex on the false promise of marriage is rape.

In the Bengaluru case, if it is proved that both parties agreed to intercourse, there is no rape or cheating case.

If I were the man’s lawyer, I would talk about how Tinder is mostly used for sexual relationships and how it makes no promise of marriage. Even the site can be found to be at fault for not doing a background check on its members.

If there has to be a case of rape, the girl has to establish there was a promise of a marriage before the act itself.

Otherwise, the case will fall through during investigation and inquiry. Here, she created a profile on the website, agreed to meet him and went to his house. If there was an assault on her at his house, she should have gone to the police station then and there.

There is no blanket law when it comes to cheating and sexual relations. It is evaluated on a case-to-case basis; unless and until a party is able to establish cheating, the case won’t hold. The key aspect is whether it is a consensual relationship, which is for the court to evaluate.

I recently dealt with a case myself. A couple, colleagues and hailing from the same place, entered into a relationship.

However, the girl already had a boyfriend back home and when he came to visit her, she wanted to end her relationship with her colleague.

This irked him, and he assaulted her. She filed a police complaint. The colleague said sex was consensual till her boyfriend came along, and he had assaulted her because he felt used. The case fell through and the girl withdrew her complaint.

Deepthi Ayathan, Founder, Ayathan Associates

Ways in which you can be cheated
According to a study, there are nearly three times as many men as women on dating apps in India — a combination of the good, bad and ugly. Dating without filters can cause women to be cheated financially (the man gains trust, borrows money on some pretext and vanishes) or exploited sexually (she might be coerced into sending nude pictures, which can be used to blackmail her, or to have sex with her). People can also lie on dating profiles about educational, financial or social backgrounds to get more matches.

Perfecting the art of ghosting
Ghosting has become one of the common practices in the new age dating arena. It refers to the practice of ending all communication with someone, without giving an explanation.Most online relationship counsellors, social media help groups and dating experts are flooded with complaints of people who say they have been ‘ghosted’ by their dating partners. “Ghosting amounts to abandonment without explanation and most people into online dating have experienced some or other form of pain in their relationships, either romantic or familial. Ghosting triggers those memories,” says Shreya Chatterjee, psychologist. “Secondly, people find it easier to spill their secrets to strangers they meet online, especially if they are dating. When that person ghosts them, it breaks the trust factor and undermines the ability to trust someone,” she adds.

Dos and don’ts when it comes to online dating

• Keep these tips in mind to navigate the complex web of online dating. PS: Applies to both men and women.
• Chat, message and talk before you agree to meet someone. Don’t rush to meet.
• Go through social media profiles to find out if they are indeed the kind of person they claim to be.
• Always meet in public. If you do agree to head out for drinks, take friends along.
• Keep an eye on your food or drink at all times.
• Don’t share home or office address initially. Come and go in your own vehicle.
• Don’t send compromising pictures, no matter how long you have been dating.

What happened in the Bengaluru case?
Rama Reddy, employee of a private tech firm, started dating a woman he met on Tinder. After a month, they had sex. The woman, also a techie, then proposed marriage. However, Reddy told her he wasn’t interested in taking it any further. When the woman persisted, he blocked her number. Accusing him of ‘using her’, she then filed a complaint with the police. He was arrested and will be produced in court.