Public sector cricket

Swalpa Connect Maadi

Public sector cricket

All matches will start with waiting for the Minister for Sports to arrive. He will then proceed to talk for one hour 45 minutes about how the sport is essential and how his wife, daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren are all addicted to cricket and how he himself used to play galli cricket before politics claimed him for its own.

Teams will have SC and ST candidates with 33 per cent reservation for women making cricket a multi-gender game (the transgenders will be agitating to get into the teams, outside the stadiums) and leading to the spectacle of lady players hitching up their saris to take a quick four. Pants and shorts will not be allowed in deference to our glorious Indian tradition and culture.

Players will go back to being employees of  banks graciously given leave to play. They will get a special allowance of Rs 30 per day for stamina building foods like horse gram, after applying along with valid proof of age, weight and stamina level countersigned by a government doctor.

All seats in the stadium will be reserved for kith and kin of ministers and bureaucrats. The remaining seats will have to be applied for by the general public by submitting application forms in triplicate and attaching birth certificates of grandfather, father and self and marriage certificate and certificate of dental extractions along with three passport pictures.

Once the form is signed they will be sent to the Sports Authority counters to prove identity and collect their tickets. Sometimes the match in question will be over, in which case the government will refund the application amount after they file another six applications attested by a Notary.

The commentary will necessarily have to be in the local language of the venue. The Cricket Monitoring Ministry  will ensure that all English words are translated into regional languages. Panels of experts will tussle with phrases like LBW so that they do not sound objectionable.

 Raj Thackeray will not permit players from other states to play in Mumbai.
All players and spectators will have to be restricted to Marathi Manoos.

Cheerleaders in Mumbai will be fully clad folk dancers doing Lavani between overs. The Bachchan family, if shot by DD cameras in the stadium, will have to be edited out before telecast.

The players now clad in khadi dhotis will be allowed to advertise recent government initiatives on the back. Since this is a democracy, they will be given  a choice between Polio Eradication and Population Control. Commercial enterprises will be persuaded to sponsor these enlightening and educative messages.

Every time a team loses a match there will be an enquiry commission made up of retired judges to investigate the causes. This will take a minimum of 10 to 20 years after which there will be a hearing and the offending players, now retired and wheel-chair bound, will be officially suspended from active cricket.

All referees will be appointed by the ruling party high command and will endeavour to ensure that all matches end in  draws. Any dispute will have to be deferred to Delhi and in the interim the match will come to a standstill and DD will telecast inspiring messages to the youth the country.

And Lalit Modi, wherever he will be, will have the last laugh.

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