JOIN USAre you on drugs? Just say no
Hey kids! Forget hard drugs, they’re bad for you. Everyone is now doing this other traditional, organic, mind-altering substance. The active chemical is called D-Nyle, but ever since it made its way across our rational borders, this feel-good opioid has acquired dozens of street names, including Nope, Pfffft, and La-la-la.
D-Nyle (aka Okamon, or Telmiyanother) is revolutionary. Not only is it absolutely free, and inexhaustible, but it’s so legal that the government virtually requires you to take it. It’s so powerful that it works on you & everyone around you. No dealer, no cash flow problems, no drama—you can just sit in your house by yourself and produce the stuff all day long.
This pain-busting drug is secreted by a tiny pea-shaped gland, deep in the folds of the brain, known as the voluntarili senslis. Like many objects in the universe, this organ has not yet been observed, but is considered a mathematical inevitability. Scientists theorise that, besides secreting low levels of D-Nyle constantly to lubricate our daily moods, it really ‘wakes up’ and becomes hyperactive in times of crisis, such as a failing marriage, or political climate change. When you are unable, or unwilling, to accept grim reality, the voluntarili senslis floods the brain with D-Nyle, interpreting things into an alternative reality in which all is well, goddamnit. It chemically rips the head off logic and throws its twitching remains into a detention centre, so that you can get on with the development of optimistic well-being.
If you want to observe a person completely blown on D-Nyle (aka Sharrap, Doncair, Hopey-changey), watch Tavleen Singh talk with Karan Thapar about her new book Modi Messiah? It is a wonderful demonstration of how one can enumerate all the constituents of a terrible reality, correctly identify every step of a creeping illiberalism, yet be preserved from reaching any devastatingly obvious conclusions. D-Nyle allows Ms Singh to spend 40 minutes excoriating Modi’s government for shredding the social fabric and failing to deliver its development promises, then conclude that she is filled with hope that Modi will not shred the social fabric or fail to deliver his development promises. In other words, she ignores her own evidence in order to keep believing what she wants to believe. It’s magnificent.
The Gujarat government is collectively secreting so much D-Nyle that it has built a literal wall to screen off Amdavad’s slums along Donald Trump’s planned convoy route. They don’t want him asking awkward questions about those bits of real estate—not that he’s likely to ask, because his own gushes of D-Nyle (aka Cantieryu, Nocee, Watevs) has convinced him that 10 million people, or 125% of the population of Amdavad, will be lined up to wave at him, just as it convinced him that his 2016 inauguration had the biggest crowds, or that he has the best words. Maybe D-Nyle will help him to visualise juicy steaks in vegetarian meals. I’m currently trying to secrete enough D-Nyle to help me pretend that there can’t be an organisation named Donald Trump Nagrik Abhinandan Samiti, but some of us are afflicted with underperforming voluntarili senslis glands.
Using drugs, no matter how organic, always carries risk. D-Nyle (aka Hurditontelly or Reditonwotsap) may blunt the pain of the world around you, but just as a numb hand cannot feel fire, be warned that D-Nyle can consume you and all your friends in the end. You know what to do, kids: Just Say No.