Death in the time of Covid-19

ATMOSPHERE GRIM, SURREAL

These are strange times. Not a day goes by with deaths taking place due to the deadly Coronavirus. There are deaths caused by other ailments too. With travel and other restrictions in force, many are left to die alone with funerals being low-key affairs, causing immense distress to family members.

Take the case of Mrs C, an 80-year-old who died in early May of illness after being in hospital for about 10 days. Both her children were in the US and could not attend the funeral, let alone be with their mother when she was ill as flights from the US to India had not yet resumed due to the Covid-19 lockdown.

The children were deeply saddened that they could not kiss their mother goodbye before she was buried. “I keep asking myself why this had to happen now and I know it was beyond my control. Yet I cannot get over the pain and I think about her dying without us and start crying,” said J, her daughter.

Her brother, who also lives and works in the US is more realistic. “Mother lived a good life and I suppose her time had come. If times were normal, we would have been with her during her last days, but that was not to be.” Both of them saw the video of the funeral and the burial. That was some consolation at least.

Mr D, 67, died of a heart attack at home on a quiet Saturday afternoon in mid-April this year. Caught totally unawares, his shocked wife called the neighbour who in turn called a doctor who came within 20 minutes only to formally pronounce Mr D dead. It was lockdown time and with no flights, their two unmarried children in Australia could not travel; nor could the married daughter from Delhi come.

The body was kept in the morgue for three days but when all hopes of the children coming failed, a funeral with just 14 people took place. A priest came to the morgue, offered prayers and the body was taken to the crematorium for cremation.

Mrs D is yet to get over the shock, unable to comprehend the sudden death of her husband. Without her children around, she seems helpless; the phone calls from them are cold comfort. Of course, it is equally distressing for the children.

These are just two cases of non-Covid deaths and there are scores of similar cases not just in Bengaluru but across India and elsewhere. What is heart-breaking is that deaths – Covid-related or non-Covid-related – in present times has taken on a new, altered format.

Indeed, it is bad enough that the near and dear ones cannot be present to take care of or be of help to their loved ones in their final days but they also have to contend with the trauma of not being present at the final farewell.

Limiting funeral visitors to just 20 means a sizeable number of close friends, relatives, neighbours and well-wishers cannot attend, leaving them disappointed and even angry. Ironically, as in the case of Mr D’s funeral, only 14 people were present although 20 are allowed.

A lot of people, even close relatives or friends are simply scared to attend funerals. Many elderly people prefer to pray for the departed souls from within the safe confines of their homes rather than be present at the burial or cremation place.

Typically, among Christians, a funeral Mass is held in church, ending with a eulogy and then final pre-burial rituals and rites take place at the cemetery. More often than not, the church is packed with near and dear ones and a sizeable crowd also gathers at the cemetery with wreaths, flowers and candles. Likewise, funerals of people belonging to other religions too are usually well-attended.

Emotional distanicng

But in the time of Covid, the funerals are different. The atmosphere is grim and somewhat surreal with the few present wearing masks, responding to prayers in an inaudible manner and maintaining the mandatory social distancing that translates into emotional distancing! No warm handshakes, tight hugs or kisses. Everyone maintains a healthy distance while offering their condolences.

Of course, a professional videographer or cameraman is hired to film the funeral or live-stream it; a close relative or friend could also be filming the funeral via his or her smart phone.

While a video may provide some comfort to the close family members who could not attend the funeral, it is not the same as being physically present where the bereaved receive a lot of support and comfort that is such a crucial part of the grieving process. Now, many are left to grieve alone.

The ordeal does not end with the burial or cremation. With most public offices working fewer hours and with limited staff, post-death tasks relating to death certificates, bank settlements, limited condolence visitations and absence of memorial services can amplify the already stressed family members’ feelings.

Death, as we all know, is a sad happening, tough to bear even in normal circumstances. One can only imagine the severity of grief and stress of the bereaved at the loss of a loved one amid the coronavirus pandemic.

Indeed, to reiterate, these are strange times and much as everyone wishes to die with dignity and with the usual rituals that honour a person’s life, it may not be possible in most cases due to the stringent guidelines to reduce the spread of the virus. As this pandemic does not seem like ending soon, one has no choice but to be realistic, accept this unfamiliar situation and adapt to new, alternate ways of dealing with the death of a loved one.

(If you are experiencing a loss or feel distressed and need help, there are many centres that provide advice and counselling services such as Parihar (080-22943224/25) Nava Karnataka Mahila Rakshana Vedike (9490135167) Samaja Seva Samithi (080-26600022) etc)