Dalai Lama on forgiveness

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama has said, “Forgiveness is an essential part of a compassionate attitude, but it is a virtue that is easily misunderstood.  For a start, to forgive is not the same as to forget.”

For many years I carried around a huge burden—the hatred I felt toward the man who had sexually traumatized me when I was young. I also carried around rage at my family for not protecting me. Add to this, my own guilt, for being too afraid of the perpetrator to expose him.  After all, he was a highly respected individual in the community and I was a mere child.

But Dalai Lama teaches it is vital to keep in mind the distinction between the doer and the deed.  He agrees, “Sometimes this can be hard.  When we ourselves or those very close to us have been victims of terrible crimes, it can be difficult not to feel hatred toward the perpetrators of those crimes.

And yet, if we pause to think about it, we realise that distinguishing between a terrible deed and its perpetrator is actually something we do every day with regard to our own actions and our own transgressions. In moments of anger or irritation, we may be rude to loved ones or aggressive toward others. Later, we may feel some remorse or regret, but when looking back on our outburst, we do not fail to distinguish between what we did and who we are.”

With intense therapy and a determination to rid myself of all negativity in this matter, I got the courage to file a case against my perpetrator years after his actions. I received a settlement, most of my family was supportive, and other victims of the same man came forward. With justice served, I forgave my abuser, my family, and myself.

His Holiness, the Embodiment of Compassion, taught, “Given that we find it so easy to forgive ourselves, surely we can extend the same courtesy to others! Of course not everyone is able to forgive him-or herself, and this can be an obstacle. For such people, it may be important to practice compassion and forgiveness toward themselves, as the foundation for practicing compassion and forgiveness towards others.”

Indeed, I worked on generating compassion towards myself first. Consequently, I was freed of the related physical, mental, and emotional pain.

As Dalai Lama had indicated. “Another truth to keep in mind is that forgiving others has an enormously liberating effect on oneself,” he said.

 “When you dwell on the harm someone has done to you, there is an inevitable tendency to become angry and resentful at the thought.  Yet clinging to painful memories and harboring ill will will do nothing to rectify the wrong committed and will have no positive effect on you.”

I have let go of the past. Although, I never want to forget it. Recovering from the trauma has given me a new life and an understanding of those victims and their perpetrators who have suffered and are still suffering.