Forgiving others

Oasis

It happens to all of us at some time or the other. Somebody you admire greatly, or are very fond of, will do you wrong. He or she will engage in some form of behavior that you consider not only inappropriate but also feel is deeply humiliating. All you want to do is to take revenge, to let the person know how much this has hurt you. If you happen to seek advice, you will be told to forgive and forget, neither of which you find yourself capable of.

Let us admit it, it is perfectly normal to experience these feelings. But clinging on to them and harbouring negative thoughts for prolonged periods is to finally let them colour one’s entire life. There is a saying that puts this succinctly – it is like drinking poison and hoping the other will die! In other words, you spend all your time being the victim, losing precious minutes in which you could experience happiness. What is even worse, you lose your faith in human nature and become a suspicious and bitter person.

It takes a bit of reflection to step out of this trap, but it is possible. It is to practise forgiveness, but not without understanding the full meaning of this word. Forgiveness is not simply forgetting what somebody has done. It is not condoning or excusing his actions. It is also not giving up one’s rights and accepting others opinions. In short, true forgiveness makes no compromises whatever with your own rights and feelings.

One could begin by fully acknowledging what has happened. This will help in assessing the motivation behind the event. You will most probably see that it is not worth the energy and peace of mind it has cost you. This will shake the burden off your shoulder, leaving you free to be happy again. In this sense, forgiving someone who has wronged you is something you do for yourself.

Perhaps you will also learn something from the experience. It will strengthen your power to empathise with others. After all, the struggle is not yours alone; it exists as well for the perpetrator. As the Dutch physician, Paul Boese said, ‘Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge and enrich the future.’