A home of one’s own

Single women in India are often looked at as aberrations and threats to patriarchal systems that encourage them to marry and ‘settle’ well before the mid-30s. A woman in her mid-30s, single by choice, is inadvertently assumed to not have been able to find a partner, rather than being genuinely selective about it, or choosing to stay single for as long as she pleases.

There is an assumption in Indian culture, that a woman is entitled to her ‘own’ home, where she calls the shots only post marriage. As though marriage itself is a license to privacy and space, since the home she shares with her parents doesn’t encourage that autonomy. The systems are that of the authoritarian figures, in this case, the parents, where the woman sharing that space, is a part and must conform to those systems. ‘Tum shaadi karo aur apne ghar mein jo chahe karo’ straddles two deeply problematic notions. One, that a woman’s home becomes her own only once she marries. As deeply problematic as ‘settling’, which for a woman means latching on to a man and finding anchorage only then. The second, is the concept of autonomy and choice. That she can exercise her will for the smallest to the largest decisions only when she is in a conformist space of a married household. The idea of privacy within a shared space with parents is novel, and almost amounts to disrespect when demanded.

As the numbers of single women swell in India, it is imperative to understand that many would share home space with parents. Economic realities are ensuring this. If not, rented accommodations do not provide homes to single women with ease either. There are questions asked, aspersions cast, and evaluation of her ‘character’, again from deeply patriarchal ideas of morality. In that world, these kinds of jibes are sexist, demeaning and reduce the identity of a woman to be incomplete before the socially accepted ideas of marriage. When contested, and privacy demanded, the demand is often viewed as an act of rebellion, with parents assuming that the ‘freedoms’ they ‘give’ are not adequate.

Who decides what is freedom, and what authority do these figures have to ‘give’ freedom? Both these notions are singular and tie back to diffused patriarchy. Where within the now expanded patriarchal framework (thanks to thousands of women fighting innumerable battles), the ideas of freedoms that are socially acceptable still conform to the idea of relaxed patriarchal constructs. A woman can be independent, earn, choose a partner, as long as she fulfils these. The idea of freedom, the agency of choice must rest with the woman unquestionably.

The very idea that a woman can be autonomous about the decisions of living in her own space over taking phone calls, choosing to drink, choosing to smoke, choosing to have male friends over are still viewed with suspicion. The woman in her mid-30s transforms to that of a daughter. As one who must wake up to help in the kitchen on time, as one who must keep her room and herself presentable at all hours. Before any of these are justified as ideas of ‘adjustments’, what is critical to be questioned is that if the ideas are laced with patriarchal expectations? When sharing house space, adjustments are a given. Are they different basis gender? A look at men, and having the expectation that they must move out (whether economically viable) because they have grown up, is also a patriarchal thought. However, men moving out and their expectations of privacy are met often with reverence, for women this is met with suspicion and unhappiness.

Home is a safe space for everyone. And a woman choosing to lead her life is entitled to the same respect. So why for women, must it only come with a space that she buys or owns? Do we encourage the same levels of freedom and privacy for men as we do for women? A woman can and must take care of her parents, and yet should she not be entitled to the same levels of autonomy within the households of those parents? Should refusal, demands for privacy be viewed as acts of disrespect? It is imperative for fights against patriarchy to be won within the home. Those battles are often the hardest to fight. But also the most necessary.