The significance of others

On the other hand, harsh and hurtful words make you sad and resentful. Our self-esteem is largely made up of the opinions that others have of us. In other words, we need others to provide us with the encouragement, happiness and fulfillment that we long for.

To begin at a very physical level, do we really know what we look like? The mirror can tell us quite a bit, but by and large, we see in it what we want to see and not what others perceive. Recall, for instance, when you suddenly caught your reflection and were startled. Was that really me, you ask yourself. Or you might hear yourself on a recorder and begin wondering whether the voice belongs to you.

Clearly the pictures we have of our own selves are not those that others have of us. Yet it is with this image that we forge our relationship with others and it can make all the difference between success and failure.

Assessment of non-physical characteristics too depends to a good degree on others. You cannot be labeled charming, helpful or noble if you are the only person in the world. You cannot even rate yourself clever or smart, for the question arises – compared to whom? Nor can any of the finer attributes of humankind like humanity, charity or philanthropy exist in such a vacuum. We need others to confirm our identity, to tell us who we are. We need this as much as we need air. It is little wonder that one of the harshest punishments conceived is solitary confinement.

Are we to conclude then that the Self is largely a creation of other minds and that, in reality, it is crafted by others? No, for core values can neither be blindly followed nor borrowed. They have to be thought out, shaped and clarified by the individual mind. In their practice though, others inevitably enter and play a significant role. Also in times of need, both birth and death, we depend on the company of others.

No joyous event is complete without the presence and participation of near and dear ones. Everyone has a deep need to share and we crave appreciation. In troubled times we seek the support and sympathy of others. As the well known saying has it, a trouble shared is one that is divided; a joy shared is one that is doubled.

Again and yet again, we see that seekers after truth retire into aloneness and silence for quiet contemplation and understanding. A great majority though return to work among people in order to test the truths they have arrived at.  As this little story amply illustrates, serving others amounts to serving yourself.  A farmer, whose crop always won the first prize at the State Fair, had the habit of sharing his finest crop seeds with all the farmers in the vicinity. Someone asked him why he did so.

Said he, ‘It is really a matter of self-interest. The wind, you see, picks up the pollen and carries it from field to field. So if my neighbours grow the inferior variety of crop, the cross-pollination brings down the quality of my own crop. That is why I am concerned that they grow only the best.’